A very overdue blog! After not a lot of note happening in my humdrum life for a while, it seems now is the time for change.
The first big step was last month when I finally snapped and signed off JSA. I'd been claiming for 6 months (though I've been unemployed for almost a year). Anyway, I'd got to the point where they were lining up a load of pointless courses and planning to send a load of jobs my way which have nothing to do with anything I'm interested in or qualified for. They were even talking about re-training. If I'd wanted to work in a different field surely it would have crossed my mind that I might need to train in it?! In short, the point is I'd had enough and that, combined with other things lead me to jump-ship.
I was gutted last month when the two rats I'd inherited from a friend both died. They'd both been quite sickly on and off since I took them on so in a way it was a kind of relief not to have to worry about them breaking anymore. I was still genuinely sad to see them go though. Just by chance, while browsing teh interwebz I found a pair of ratty girls looking for a home (at the time I still had one of the old girls so I had to ignore my findings). On finding myself ratless how could I say no? I arranged to meet them before committing, expecting to have to arrange the usual home visit but ended up leaving with a box of fluffy children. Apparently I seem to know what I'm doing (as far as rodents go at least!) I'll probably write about them more another time. They are certainly keeping me busy!
Over the last month or two I've been spending a lot more time with my Nan. She was recently diagnosed with dementia and it's been good for her to have someone keeping an eye her. The second big change I've made is to take up the responsibility of being Nan's carer on a more official level. This was another factor in quitting the dole. I figured if I'm going to be unemployed for the forseeable future, I'd rather be doing something productive with my time. So now I actually have somewhere to be every day and I feel like I'm actually serving some sort of genuine purpose for the first time since I left uni two years ago.
As if all that upheaval wasn't enough, a few days after quitting jobseeker's I had an ominous-looking brown envelope through the post. I finally got a job offer! I'm not going to say too much about it, but providing I pass all the security checks (ooo!) I could be a productive little worker bee again. The only annoyance is that I won't find out anything concrete for a couple of months. It will be a great leap forward if it all works out though. I can build up some funds for the future and the hours mean that hopefully I can still check in on Nan.
So yeah, I'm feeling a whole lot more positive now. I feel like I actually have a reason to get up every day. Something which has been seriously lacking for a long time. Here's to the future!
Tuesday, 12 October 2010
Saturday, 15 May 2010
Midnight meanderings
It's been a good while since I've felt like I have something I want to say. The last thing I wrote was two sides of very depressing and angry scrawl when drunk (which will not be seen again) and before that some other emotional but un-blogworthy ramblings (which I think I ended up sticking on my deviantart).
I've not really been up to much since I last wrote on here. I'm still jobless, still living at home, still not driving and still trying to distract myself with endless tasks that never get finished. It was my birthday a couple of days ago and that got me thinking about life and its mediocrity. I haven't really thought seriously about it all for the last month or so. Not that I'm thinking anything particularly exciting in the grand scheme of things; just about how there's actually no point worrying about where life is headed and why I'm not where I thought I'd be. All I can do is take control of all the individual aspects I can and by doing so, hope I can eventually steer myself in a positive direction. Looking at my current situation like this, it turns out there's actually quite a lot I can do.
I can't control whether or not I will actually get given a job, but I can choose which ones I apply for (it's so difficult to balance applying for enough to get paid, but not get lumbered with an unwanted job). I can also use the money I get while looking to take the immediate pressure off. I can't control the state of our house (a constant source of stress for me) but I can clear out my room, sort out all the crap I've been hoarding and make myself a little sanctuary. I can't live anywhere else at the moment, but I can start making plans for when I eventually leave- looking at flats, possible jobs and planning what I'll need. I have only limited control over when I'll finally master driving but I can go out to each lesson with a positive outlook; relaxed and attentive instead of stressed and panicky. I can't ignore the fact I have a long list of self-appointed tasks that just keeps extending, but I can work through them steadily. There's something so satisfying about crossing things off a list!
From today I'm going to force myself to keep busy. I need to gather up some motivation from deep down and use it to make sure I fill this life-gap with positivity. I need to get out of the house more than my weekly dog walking at Dogs Trust.
On a lighter note, I'm annoyed we keep having power cuts this evening! I'm trying to watch Shigurui Death Frenzy (a pretty but slow-moving, complex anime) and I keep having to find my place all over again. Also, everytime the power goes all the house alarms start up which is not a fun sound at all. The only torch I can find is a lightsaber which makes noises that are really loud and irritating.
There. It feels better to have a little rant! lol I think that's me done for now. Over and out.
I've not really been up to much since I last wrote on here. I'm still jobless, still living at home, still not driving and still trying to distract myself with endless tasks that never get finished. It was my birthday a couple of days ago and that got me thinking about life and its mediocrity. I haven't really thought seriously about it all for the last month or so. Not that I'm thinking anything particularly exciting in the grand scheme of things; just about how there's actually no point worrying about where life is headed and why I'm not where I thought I'd be. All I can do is take control of all the individual aspects I can and by doing so, hope I can eventually steer myself in a positive direction. Looking at my current situation like this, it turns out there's actually quite a lot I can do.
I can't control whether or not I will actually get given a job, but I can choose which ones I apply for (it's so difficult to balance applying for enough to get paid, but not get lumbered with an unwanted job). I can also use the money I get while looking to take the immediate pressure off. I can't control the state of our house (a constant source of stress for me) but I can clear out my room, sort out all the crap I've been hoarding and make myself a little sanctuary. I can't live anywhere else at the moment, but I can start making plans for when I eventually leave- looking at flats, possible jobs and planning what I'll need. I have only limited control over when I'll finally master driving but I can go out to each lesson with a positive outlook; relaxed and attentive instead of stressed and panicky. I can't ignore the fact I have a long list of self-appointed tasks that just keeps extending, but I can work through them steadily. There's something so satisfying about crossing things off a list!
From today I'm going to force myself to keep busy. I need to gather up some motivation from deep down and use it to make sure I fill this life-gap with positivity. I need to get out of the house more than my weekly dog walking at Dogs Trust.
On a lighter note, I'm annoyed we keep having power cuts this evening! I'm trying to watch Shigurui Death Frenzy (a pretty but slow-moving, complex anime) and I keep having to find my place all over again. Also, everytime the power goes all the house alarms start up which is not a fun sound at all. The only torch I can find is a lightsaber which makes noises that are really loud and irritating.
There. It feels better to have a little rant! lol I think that's me done for now. Over and out.
Tuesday, 5 January 2010
Social Animals
Well, it's been a busy few weeks (by my standards). It's definitely been making me feel refreshed and upbeat (although it's not doing the same for my bank balance) but now I've had a chance to p[ause and take stock, I'm left feeling rather hopeless and apathetic. The start of a new year, a new decade has left me feeling a tad down shall we say. Partly about the complete waste of the last year and also about the fact that this year is shaping up to bring more of the same or perhaps be even more of a waste. I'm not where I want to be and certainly not where I thought I'd be by this point. There just seems to be so much in the way at the moment that I'm inclined not to bother trying anymore, although I know that would be the worst thing to do. Apathy never helped anyone acheive great things (or even minor acomplishments come to that). This year I really need to knuckle down, get focused and get on with things that will help me towards my goals (whatever the hell they are) but I'll get round to that eventually! Anyway, due to family issues it seems my unemployment may actually have occurred at just the right time to be useful so I suppose that counts for something.
I didn't really intend this to be about me doing nothing. What I wanted to write about was friendship and to look at the social nature of humans. I'm not entirely sure why, but this has been in my thoughts of late.
We certainly aren't the only species that relies on and actively seeks the company of its own kind. In fact a great many species do, seeking to be surrounded by others and all the interaction involved be it positive or negative. On the surface this could simply be viewed as a grouping formed out of neccesity. For many prey species a group provides safety; more eyes and ears to watch out for danger, more individuals to fight back and less chance of being targeted from among the group. Predators may group to improve their chances of bringing down prey and to defend themselves from rivals and for foraging animals, a larger group means protection as well as more hands to gather food. On a deeper level, there would seem to be a much stronger reason for some of these groupings- almost a craving for company.
Where animals live in social groups they have a clear social order that is maintained by strict rules. All the animals within the group learn these rules from a young age. They are crucial for the family to work and flouting the rules can result in aggression, violence, rejection and even death for a group member who chooses to do so. All the individuals know their place and society is reletively harmoneous. Why is it that humans can't seem to maintain or accept any real social order and harmony? With humans everything is so complex and diverse. People can't and don't learn all the rules of socially acceptable behaviour while young- there are too many and they are too fluid. The consequences for flounting group rules are not a matter of life and death as they are for other species and they can often appear non-existant. The way that people gather and group in such huge numbers lends them an almost insect-like quality. The swarming, invading, attacking and hoarding qualities are all shared. The main difference being that humans lack the order and organisation which these huge insect colonies use to function effectively as a community.
Friendship for its own sake is a concept that appears to be uniquely human. Within other species there is little choice over the members present within a group. Animals do not need to seek out those who share their specific interests or have characteristics in common as their similarities occur naturally within their daily lives. Why do humans have their ideal of finding one partner for life? Although there is evidence of faithful pairings within the animal kingdom, this is usually only for the duration of one breeding season. Come the next season, animals tend to find a new partner. So why is it that a person can feel so intensely drawn to another over such a long time, sometimes a whole lifetime? What is it about humans that makes them so unique?
I'm in the sort of mood where I could ramble for days but I think I'll leave this there for now!
I didn't really intend this to be about me doing nothing. What I wanted to write about was friendship and to look at the social nature of humans. I'm not entirely sure why, but this has been in my thoughts of late.
We certainly aren't the only species that relies on and actively seeks the company of its own kind. In fact a great many species do, seeking to be surrounded by others and all the interaction involved be it positive or negative. On the surface this could simply be viewed as a grouping formed out of neccesity. For many prey species a group provides safety; more eyes and ears to watch out for danger, more individuals to fight back and less chance of being targeted from among the group. Predators may group to improve their chances of bringing down prey and to defend themselves from rivals and for foraging animals, a larger group means protection as well as more hands to gather food. On a deeper level, there would seem to be a much stronger reason for some of these groupings- almost a craving for company.
Where animals live in social groups they have a clear social order that is maintained by strict rules. All the animals within the group learn these rules from a young age. They are crucial for the family to work and flouting the rules can result in aggression, violence, rejection and even death for a group member who chooses to do so. All the individuals know their place and society is reletively harmoneous. Why is it that humans can't seem to maintain or accept any real social order and harmony? With humans everything is so complex and diverse. People can't and don't learn all the rules of socially acceptable behaviour while young- there are too many and they are too fluid. The consequences for flounting group rules are not a matter of life and death as they are for other species and they can often appear non-existant. The way that people gather and group in such huge numbers lends them an almost insect-like quality. The swarming, invading, attacking and hoarding qualities are all shared. The main difference being that humans lack the order and organisation which these huge insect colonies use to function effectively as a community.
Friendship for its own sake is a concept that appears to be uniquely human. Within other species there is little choice over the members present within a group. Animals do not need to seek out those who share their specific interests or have characteristics in common as their similarities occur naturally within their daily lives. Why do humans have their ideal of finding one partner for life? Although there is evidence of faithful pairings within the animal kingdom, this is usually only for the duration of one breeding season. Come the next season, animals tend to find a new partner. So why is it that a person can feel so intensely drawn to another over such a long time, sometimes a whole lifetime? What is it about humans that makes them so unique?
I'm in the sort of mood where I could ramble for days but I think I'll leave this there for now!
Thursday, 19 November 2009
Locks and Mental Blocks
I've discovered I'm not as much of a blogger as I thought I might be... I think part of the trouble lies in the fact that despite there being a constant babble of thoughts (many highly interesting, relevant and amusing; others less so) running through my head, for the most part I seem fairly incapable of actually channeling the flow. This often includes the simple act of channeling my thoughts to my mouth (many a humorous speech failure, miss-timed comment or unexpected sentence-blurting has occurred as a result). The problem seems to be amplified whenever I am required to bring thoughts out into the aether via the telephone. Using the phone frequently fills me with a sense of dread at the inevitable decline in my brain function as soon as the device appears next to my ear. This rediculous inaptitude towards expressing the inner workings of my mind also appears to extend to an inability to get my brain-thinkings out in other formats (via the computey-box, inky-stick or even in an arty manner).
Overall this leads to a feeling of being somewhat powerless and definitely very frustrated. It has even led to the frustration of others at my apparent lack of opinions or feelings about a great many things. It's not that I don't have them- I just can't get them out! I just feel like there's so much going on up top that I want to share but my attempts to do this are constantly hampered. For example, I do feel (without wanting to sound too pompous) that somewhere within the murky depths of my mind-tank there is definitely a novel waiting to be unearthed or an art piece I'm actually proud of , maybe even a script of some sort. Although with current forcefield that appears to surround my thoughts, nothing can get out. True, I get the odd spurt of actually exhibiting proper expressive ability (this being a shoddy example of one), but these are all too few. The irregularity of these spurts creates the additional frustration of me constantly having an abundance of half-finished projects lying about begging to be completed.
My head is like a heavy old wooden trunk with a robust and ancient metal lock at the front. The lock has always been tricky to open but as time goes on, both the mechanism and the key start to rust and decay, so the trunk becomes increasingly more difficult to unlock and eventually the contents of said trunk are forgotten and rendered meaningless. I just need a way to break open the rusty lock so the contents can be freely accessed.
Anyway, feeble attempt to explain my state of mind (or lack thereof) and lame analogy over with I shall now depart and continue to try and solve a little more of the mystery and freakish wonder that is me.
Overall this leads to a feeling of being somewhat powerless and definitely very frustrated. It has even led to the frustration of others at my apparent lack of opinions or feelings about a great many things. It's not that I don't have them- I just can't get them out! I just feel like there's so much going on up top that I want to share but my attempts to do this are constantly hampered. For example, I do feel (without wanting to sound too pompous) that somewhere within the murky depths of my mind-tank there is definitely a novel waiting to be unearthed or an art piece I'm actually proud of , maybe even a script of some sort. Although with current forcefield that appears to surround my thoughts, nothing can get out. True, I get the odd spurt of actually exhibiting proper expressive ability (this being a shoddy example of one), but these are all too few. The irregularity of these spurts creates the additional frustration of me constantly having an abundance of half-finished projects lying about begging to be completed.
My head is like a heavy old wooden trunk with a robust and ancient metal lock at the front. The lock has always been tricky to open but as time goes on, both the mechanism and the key start to rust and decay, so the trunk becomes increasingly more difficult to unlock and eventually the contents of said trunk are forgotten and rendered meaningless. I just need a way to break open the rusty lock so the contents can be freely accessed.
Anyway, feeble attempt to explain my state of mind (or lack thereof) and lame analogy over with I shall now depart and continue to try and solve a little more of the mystery and freakish wonder that is me.
Sunday, 4 October 2009
A long overdue ramble about life and death
Ok well this is going to be a very long and pointless sort of ramble. I actually wrote this a while ago and have only jus got around to finishing it. As cliche as it sounds, I've actually been thinking about life and death a lot recently. Still being stuck in the rut is really starting to get to me now. I feel like life is wasting away while I sit here and let it. It's like being stood in the middle of one of those rickety rope bridges across a gorge, watching the ropes start to fray from either end and planks of wood fall dramatically down thousands of feet into the fast-flowing river below and I can do nothing but watch it happen.
I lost one of my fluffy little ratty fats a couple of weeks ago. He'd been kind of ill on and off for ages, but then he suddenly seemed to pick up again. His eyes were brighter, his curly fur was softer and fluffier; he was even unusually energetic. Then a couple of weeks ago he just sort of shut down. He stopped eating and generally seemed to give up on everything. At least he went peacefully in his sleep in the end.
Anyway, it got me thinking: firstly, that animals have the right idea just getting on with life (they don't waste time messing about with things that really aren't important) and secondly, I started thinking that unfortunately I'm not an animal and as such there are many unimportant things I have to deal with. So I should just accept this and get on with sorting everything out instead of merely laying down and giving up while life goes on without me. The other thought this lead me to was the slightly more morbid thought that if I were to snuff it tomorrow, would I have actually done anything worthwhile?
On pondering this (via the decision of what actually constitutes a 'worthwhile' achievement) I came to the conclusion that my answer would have to be "no".
The basic upshoot of all this is that I have decided to force myself to take some steps (albeit small ones) towards where I actually want to be in my life right now.
And since all this thinking I've actually taken the first step. I actually handed in my notice at work. It's probably not the best decision from a financial point of view, but for the sake of my sanity it had to be done. I think a year of totally screwed up sleep patterns has taken it's toll and made me a little broken inside. Now I think the next step is to try and find another part time job with less hours and where management aren't quite such cretins (apologies for the use of such a derogatory term). Once that's done, the next step is to start volunteering somewhere with beasties because apparently I do not have enough animal care experience to be remotely employable. Then I need to crack on with learning to drive (which I am currently annoyingly bad at). Maybe better sleep will help me concentrate better.
So, that's all for now. I'm taking hold of my life again and telling it where I wan't to go instead of being a bystander.
I lost one of my fluffy little ratty fats a couple of weeks ago. He'd been kind of ill on and off for ages, but then he suddenly seemed to pick up again. His eyes were brighter, his curly fur was softer and fluffier; he was even unusually energetic. Then a couple of weeks ago he just sort of shut down. He stopped eating and generally seemed to give up on everything. At least he went peacefully in his sleep in the end.
Anyway, it got me thinking: firstly, that animals have the right idea just getting on with life (they don't waste time messing about with things that really aren't important) and secondly, I started thinking that unfortunately I'm not an animal and as such there are many unimportant things I have to deal with. So I should just accept this and get on with sorting everything out instead of merely laying down and giving up while life goes on without me. The other thought this lead me to was the slightly more morbid thought that if I were to snuff it tomorrow, would I have actually done anything worthwhile?
On pondering this (via the decision of what actually constitutes a 'worthwhile' achievement) I came to the conclusion that my answer would have to be "no".
The basic upshoot of all this is that I have decided to force myself to take some steps (albeit small ones) towards where I actually want to be in my life right now.
And since all this thinking I've actually taken the first step. I actually handed in my notice at work. It's probably not the best decision from a financial point of view, but for the sake of my sanity it had to be done. I think a year of totally screwed up sleep patterns has taken it's toll and made me a little broken inside. Now I think the next step is to try and find another part time job with less hours and where management aren't quite such cretins (apologies for the use of such a derogatory term). Once that's done, the next step is to start volunteering somewhere with beasties because apparently I do not have enough animal care experience to be remotely employable. Then I need to crack on with learning to drive (which I am currently annoyingly bad at). Maybe better sleep will help me concentrate better.
So, that's all for now. I'm taking hold of my life again and telling it where I wan't to go instead of being a bystander.
Wednesday, 19 August 2009
Nothingness
Wow! I did not realise it's been quite so long! Although in my defence, I have been fairly busy of late. As usual, there's not a whole lot of excitement here. I've just returned from a weekend in Plymouth with my sister, celebrating a friend's birthday. I always love going back there. It's a place that has so many happy memories for me and is still home to many of my favourite people. Truth be told, I don't really want to be back. While I have become more accepting of my current situation it is still far from ideal. Family tend to have that amazing knack for making you feel rather smothered . This it seems is particularly true if you happen to be in the unfortunate position of being somewhere where there is no one else to escape to. Don't get me wrong, I love them to bits, but there's only so much anyone can take. I guess the same is true of living with anyone- friends, family, partners- it's just that under normal circumstances there are other people to provide relief.
I think maybe what I need is a serious goal to aim for: A clear-cut reason for me to be stuck here slowly festering away. I feel like I'm jus drifting into nothingness and while that may be acceptable for some, I am getting rather frustrated with it all now. I need to get my thinking cap on and start sorting out what exactly to do next. I've already been making do for longer than I'd hoped! Time to get off my arse and SORT MY LIFE OUT! xD
I think maybe what I need is a serious goal to aim for: A clear-cut reason for me to be stuck here slowly festering away. I feel like I'm jus drifting into nothingness and while that may be acceptable for some, I am getting rather frustrated with it all now. I need to get my thinking cap on and start sorting out what exactly to do next. I've already been making do for longer than I'd hoped! Time to get off my arse and SORT MY LIFE OUT! xD
Monday, 23 March 2009
A stitch in time...
The last week or so has been unusually eventful for me. Not a whole lot usually goes on here in the delightful realms of Not-quite-proper-London-but-near-enough-to-have-all the-bad-bits. Work hasn't been as awful as usual. Well, it's still completely mind-numbing and physically hard work but it's like something in my head has just snapped and all of a sudden it has stopped filling me with that awful feeling of dread. Maybe I've finally accepted that there's no way I'll get anything better right now :( Such a depressing prospect!
Awwwwwww! You know when something is so cute it makes you want to cry? Jus looked to my right and the ratties r both snuggled up together half under the duvet >_< So kawaii!
Friday was a particularly good day for me. My sister and I took mummy out to pizza express for a mother's day meal. The best part of this was that we had to wait ages for our main courses (due to an arguement and dismissal in the kitchen we were later informed) and ended up getting them for free! =D Free pizza is the best thing EVER!!! After returning home more than pleasantly full and rather sleepy I had my first driving lesson. It's something I've been meaning to do for a long time but kept putting off for various reasons. The first lesson wasn't too strenuous. In fact I found it quite refreshing to have a new challenge. I'm looking forward to this week's lesson, which is surprising to me considering how freaked out I was (and still kind of am) by the whole prospect of being behind the wheel.
Went to an awesome gig on Saturday. One of my most favourite bands, Sonic Boom Six, supporting an old 80's reggae/ ska band, The Beat. Despite being more chilled out than gigs I usually attend- no mosh pit and mostly just bobbing- I had a really good time. I got to chat to Laila, the singer for a bit too, which is always cool. I need to practice being less socially inept! lol It felt good that she actually remembered me from other gigs, made me feel appreciated! I can't wait for the next gig! :)
Today has been rather lazy. Very much a movie day. Got sucked in to a random black and white film this morn. I think it was called The Appartment. Was very good, highly recommended. I've spent the rest of the day watching various films from my collection, culminating in Lilo and Stitch. I've decided Stitch is amazing and is possibly my favourite Disney character. And on that note, I think it's time to leave...
Awwwwwww! You know when something is so cute it makes you want to cry? Jus looked to my right and the ratties r both snuggled up together half under the duvet >_< So kawaii!
Friday was a particularly good day for me. My sister and I took mummy out to pizza express for a mother's day meal. The best part of this was that we had to wait ages for our main courses (due to an arguement and dismissal in the kitchen we were later informed) and ended up getting them for free! =D Free pizza is the best thing EVER!!! After returning home more than pleasantly full and rather sleepy I had my first driving lesson. It's something I've been meaning to do for a long time but kept putting off for various reasons. The first lesson wasn't too strenuous. In fact I found it quite refreshing to have a new challenge. I'm looking forward to this week's lesson, which is surprising to me considering how freaked out I was (and still kind of am) by the whole prospect of being behind the wheel.
Went to an awesome gig on Saturday. One of my most favourite bands, Sonic Boom Six, supporting an old 80's reggae/ ska band, The Beat. Despite being more chilled out than gigs I usually attend- no mosh pit and mostly just bobbing- I had a really good time. I got to chat to Laila, the singer for a bit too, which is always cool. I need to practice being less socially inept! lol It felt good that she actually remembered me from other gigs, made me feel appreciated! I can't wait for the next gig! :)
Today has been rather lazy. Very much a movie day. Got sucked in to a random black and white film this morn. I think it was called The Appartment. Was very good, highly recommended. I've spent the rest of the day watching various films from my collection, culminating in Lilo and Stitch. I've decided Stitch is amazing and is possibly my favourite Disney character. And on that note, I think it's time to leave...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
