So I've had a couple weeks where I've done a lot of reflecting. I've learned a few things about myself and some parts of my life that I need to have a serious look at.
The first thing I learned, which was something I had long forgotten, is that I can actually look nice if I really make the effort. I went to a friend's wedding a couple of weeks ago and I got so many compliments just because I'd put on a little make up and I wore a skirt. I'll be honest, in the build up to the event my anxiety level was quite high. I was stressed about how I could look suitably weddingy, feminine and summery but still feel comfortable and like myself. To solve this I bought a skirt with a dinosaur print (more interesting than flowers, right?!) Then I was anxious about it being too wacky and that it might look like I was trying to pull focus from the bride. I also stressed myself out a bit about wearing a vest and having my tattoos out for a similar reason. Then I remembered that I was being silly. The bride is one of my best and oldest friends. She would want me to be my usual odd self and besides that she would be looking stunning in her dress so there would be no way I could pull focus from her on her big day (except among the children I discovered). In the end I had such a good time and I surprised myself with how comfortable I managed to feel all dressed up.
I have also found that I should have more confidence in my abilities. This is something I have been told repeatedly but somehow it never seems to sink in. In the last week or so I've had several people remind me that I am capable and I can achieve. I need to make this really stick this time around.
One major thing I am realising is that I hinder my own progress with my lack of motivation. I get very easily stuck in the habit of doing the same, easy things rather than get stuck into some real challenges that would actually do me good. I let myself get away with laziness and make excuses to myself.
After having a good chat with my mum and seeing all the big steps she is taking to change her life, I'm feeling much more determined. I feel more like I can and will make the changes I need to in my own life.
It's going to be hard work and I know I'm going to struggle to keep going; I'm going to need to ask for help from people (which I never feel comfortable doing) and I know I'm going to have to make myself feel weak and vulnerable. I'm fed up of saying I don't have time and making excuses. I have to make time by cutting out the time I spend on things that don't matter. I need to make myself accountable for my actions, so I can't just let myself get away with not doing things.
Today is when I get things started. No more waiting until next week, next month or next year. I'm going to start by making a detailed list and plan. It's a start that I feel comfortable with. I like making lists and plans. They help me to tidy up the buzzing mess that's inside my head and help keep me positive when I can cross things off the list. The difference this time is that making the list will only be a start- I have to make sure I follow the plan through.
The next step is going to be to make people aware of what I'm working towards and how I'll be doing it. I need someone else to get behind me and put a bit of pressure on. If I am accountable to other people and not just myself then I will not be able to let things slide. I find I always harder for others than I do for myself, so I plan to start using this to my advantage. That should be one of my new ideals I think- to play to my strengths. Of course one of the first hard things to do is going to be working out what my strengths actually are. I have grown far too used to being negative about myself.
Well, I guess that step one is getting my intentions out there and I've pretty much done that now. So now it's off for step two of making the list. I suppose I'll be back here once that is done. Even if nobody actually sees it, the thought that people might do could act as an ultimatum for me. If not, then maybe just the act of writing things down clearly will be cathartic in its own right. Here we go.
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