Feeling Stronger

So I've had a couple weeks where I've done a lot of reflecting. I've learned a few things about myself and some parts of my life that I need to have a serious look at.

The first thing I learned, which was something I had long forgotten, is that I can actually look nice if I really make the effort. I went to a friend's wedding a couple of weeks ago and I got so many compliments just because I'd put on a little make up and I wore a skirt. I'll be honest, in the build up to the event my anxiety level was quite high. I was stressed about how I could look suitably weddingy, feminine and summery but still feel comfortable and like myself. To solve this I bought a skirt with a dinosaur print (more interesting than flowers, right?!) Then I was anxious about it being too wacky and that it might look like I was trying to pull focus from the bride. I also stressed myself out a bit about wearing a vest and having my tattoos out for a similar reason. Then I remembered that I was being silly. The bride is one of my best and oldest friends. She would want me to be my usual odd self and besides that she would be looking stunning in her dress so there would be no way I could pull focus from her on her big day (except among the children I discovered). In the end I had such a good time and I surprised myself with how comfortable I managed to feel all dressed up.
I have also found that I should have more confidence in my abilities. This is something I have been told repeatedly but somehow it never seems to sink in. In the last week or so I've had several people remind me that I am capable and I can achieve. I need to make this really stick this time around.

One major thing I am realising is that I hinder my own progress with my lack of motivation. I get very easily stuck in the habit of doing the same, easy things rather than get stuck into some real challenges that would actually do me good. I let myself get away with laziness and make excuses to myself.

After having a good chat with my mum and seeing all the big steps she is taking to change her life, I'm feeling much more determined. I feel more like I can and will make the changes I need to in my own life.
It's going to be hard work and I know I'm going to struggle to keep going; I'm going to need to ask for help from people (which I never feel comfortable doing) and I know I'm going to have to make myself feel weak and vulnerable. I'm fed up of saying I don't have time and making excuses. I have to make time by cutting out the time I spend on things that don't matter. I need to make myself accountable for my actions, so I can't just let myself get away with not doing things.

Today is when I get things started. No more waiting until next week, next month or next year. I'm going to start by making a detailed list and plan. It's a start that I feel comfortable with. I like making lists and plans. They help me to tidy up the buzzing mess that's inside my head and help keep me positive when I can cross things off the list. The difference this time is that making the list will only be a start- I have to make sure I follow the plan through.

The next step is going to be to make people aware of what I'm working towards and how I'll be doing it. I need someone else to get behind me and put a bit of pressure on. If I am accountable to other people and not just myself then I will not be able to let things slide. I find I always harder for others than I do for myself, so I plan to start using this to my advantage. That should be one of my new ideals I think- to play to my strengths. Of course one of the first hard things to do is going to be working out what my strengths actually are. I have grown far too used to being negative about myself.

Well, I guess that step one is getting my intentions out there and I've pretty much done that now. So now it's off for step two of making the list. I suppose I'll be back here once that is done. Even if nobody actually sees it, the thought that people might do could act as an ultimatum for me. If not, then maybe just the act of writing things down clearly will be cathartic in its own right. Here we go.

The Importance of Ink

   I am big fan of tattoos and I've had a lot of work done,  including two full sleeves. I've also had a few ideas for more big pieces lurking in my head for a few years.
   One of these ideas is a design based on an old poster for the Women's Land Army from the Second World War. My Nan worked in the WLA during the war and I would enjoy hearing her tell us about what she used to do. I was thinking about the tattoo while Nan was still around, but I was already getting a lot of work done on other pieces so I never actually started it.
   In the last month or so I've been feeling the urge for more tattoo work so I started expanding on the land girl idea. This resulted in me coming up with an ink drawing. Once I finished this I had a sort of ink mania and decided I had to go and book for the tattoo, finally getting it started last week. Right now I've got to the itching and peeling stage, but last week it was really sore and I was asking myself why I insist on repeatedly going through the process.
   This got me thinking more in depth about the tattooing process and why I like tattoos so much.
   I think one of the reasons I keep going back for more is that I find it quite therapeutic. Definitely not in a physically relaxing sort of way, but more of a mental relief. I realised that with only the pain and end result to focus on, getting a tattoo is one of the few times I can actually switch my brain off from all the anxious thoughts that are constantly buzzing around. When I hobble out of the studio I feel somehow lighter. For me it's as good as talking to someone about what's going on in my head, probably better. It's like a realisation that I can get through a lot more than I feel like I can most of the time. The physical pain and discomfort is like a sort of manifestation of the way my mind feels and I can focus on that instead.
   Another reason I'm so tattooed is to do with confidence (or rather a lack of it). I am not a confident person at all and social situations are a source of anxiety for me. I don't like to be noticed. Now this makes me sound a bit crazy; I hear you thinking "surely inking yourself up makes you more noticeable?" Well, I guess it does. The way it works for me is that I feel like people notice my tattoos instead of actually seeing me. I suppose I use them as a kind of distraction or disguise. Also, I don't think I'm particularly physically attractive and I wouldn't get many compliments on the way I look, so it gives me a real confidence boost when people look at and admire my tattoos. They make me feel more attractive and comfortable in my own skin.
   I'm rubbish at small talk and especially talking about myself, so my tattoos often act as a way for me to engage in conversation with people without feeling quite so awkward. I like it when people take the time to really look and to ask questions. I think a lot of people are really surprised by how much work has gone in to them and the way they are more like art pieces than trivial mementos. I sometimes feel like I'm an ambassador for tattoos. I have a role showing sceptics that well mannered, quiet and sensible people can also have ink; having tattoos does not automatically turn you into a lout.
   So, for me my tattoos are important. I get to share a part of myself and my creativity when coming up with a design idea and the process itself gives me a much needed break from my own mind. Tattoos are a big part of who I am now and they serve a purpose every day, helping me to interact with the world. On top of all this, I think they look pretty damn cool and I get to walk around with works of art on me for the rest of my life! 

Back in to the fray!

Ok, so six years on from my last blog post I have decided I might give this a go again. I was just going to start a completely new site, but after coming back here I felt oddly nostalgic. I was going to delete all my old posts, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I found it interesting to look back at how I was back then. So much has changed and yet also a lot of things are still pretty much the same.

To summarise what happened to me since my last blog post:

• I finished learning to drive and got a car
• I got my first big tattoo.
• I wrote a fair chunk of the novel I'd been thinking about; then got distracted by life, put it on a back-burner and eventually lost interest. I don't think it would have been very good anyway.
• I left the postal job for a new job looking after military working dogs.
• I moved to Leicestershire for the new job, without knowing anybody or the area.
• I started the full sleeve tattoo I'd been thinking about. Then I finished that, and a full sleeve on my other arm.
• I met someone online and we eventually moved in together. He came with a dog, so I finally have a pooch!
• I did start selling pet portraits, although I haven't really done any for a couple of years.
• My Nan deteriorated and eventually passed away.
• I crashed my car into a field, wrote it off and never bothered to get another one.
• I left the kennel job and did a dog grooming course.
• We decided to move to Bristol where a lot of my friends were.
• We moved into a shabby shared house with a couple of friends (and subsequently some nice randoms when our friends couldn't take the house anymore).
• I got a job working for a veterinary charity; trying and failing to get back on the path to veterinary nursing again. I also realised that unless you set up your own dog grooming business it is incredibly difficult to find someone to give you any experience or a job.
• I left the job at the vets after the night work started making me ill and they made it clear I wasn't getting the chance to progress any time soon.
• We moved out of Bristol, to a nice quiet suburb of Weston-Super-Mare.
• I worked as a temp in an office for a while until the dullness and the commute got to be too much.
• I started formulating plans to set up a dog-friendly cafe and pet shop, but they remain plans until I somehow have enough money to set it up :(
• I got married! XD
• My Dad moved around the corner.
• I took at job working in a cafe/shop at a well known holiday camp (despite actually applying to work in the laundry and having no experience of working in a kitchen). The particular branch where I was catered mostly for over 50's and large events and was often very busy.
• I left there because I was getting too stressed by the increasing pressure and by the unpredictability of the zero hours contract. 
• I now work part time in the staff canteen of a supermarket. I did not think I would ever work in food, but for now I seem to be quite enjoying it and I haven't poisoned anybody so far!

As for things that are still the same, the list is also quite long! My mind is still very much like the soup I described it as before. I still have multiple projects on the go that I get distracted from and can't finish. I still haven't done anything lasting to be healthier and I still feel like my life is going nowhere. I still don't see people as much as I'd like (although at least now I have one other person who I can see all the time). I am still broody for dogs even though I have one (he needs a playmate I think). I also still have no idea which direction I should take this blog.

I'm thinking that for now it will do me good just to have something to write about; to get my brain back in to a more writery mindset. I'm going to see if I can manage to get something written down weekly to start with. It will also make me more accountable for all the projects I've got on the go if other people are aware of them. Sometimes I think I just need that extra bit of pressure to actually get things done; not that I'm particularly convinced anyone will actually read it , but the thought that somebody could might just be enough. We shall see I guess!

Accepting the mind soup

     My head is a strange place at the moment. It's like a swirly soup of positivity and hopelessness. Mmm, tasty. The exciting plan to be a vet nurse is looking less and less likely. I've been in touch with all the registered training practices in and around the local area to see if any are taking on trainees. None of them are and none will even take me for work experience for a few hours a week. So I've started asking all the local vets about work experience/ volunteering and thus far nobody has got back to me. This has essentially put a stop to my plans for now as I can't even get on a course without any recent veterinary experience. Hmph.
    
 The other plan is to do a course in dog grooming. The problem with this is that to do the more recognised City & Guilds qualification I would have to stop work and that is something I can't really afford to do. There are online courses I can do, but generally employers prefer more hands-on qualifications. I've been in touch with a couple of local groomers to ask if I can help out for a few hours a week while studying to help gain some practical experience. So far I've not had any luck there either.
     
Despite all plans being on hold at the moment, I'm feeling unusually motivated again. At the weekend I got taken to a jewellery and silversmithing fair by my sister (who is learning both these crafts among others as part of her degree). Seeing all the artists and crafts-people contentedly making a living out of soomething they love doing reminded me that it is possible to do the same, I just have to work hard to get there and have a little patience. The weekend also found me making an unplanned visit to the British Museum with an old friend to do some drawing. The trip reminded me it is important to make time for the things I enjoy as well as my responsibilites and the serious stuff. Chatting with my friend about life, jobs and the various projects I have on the go proved to be quite stimulating. I feel determined to get things done, in spite of the current lack of opportunities.
    
  For now I'm settling in to the mindset that although I may have to wait a while to get somewhere I want to be, it will be worth it in the end. Things could certainly be a lot worse and I feel rather zen about it all right now ( this feeling is currently being helped by my little ratty perched on my knee like a mini lap-cat).

Finding Direction

   There's been quite a lot going on in the world of me in the last month or so. Firstly I made a firm decision that I need to choose a more definite career path. Secondly I decided that path is going to be veterinary nursing. It seems like a good choice for me because it combines aspects of animal care with more medical aspects. So it will be more suited to my sciencey nature and challenge my brain more than other animal care jobs. The downside to this is that I will have to study again and re-train. Although actually, I quite like learning.
   The next thing that happened was my discovery of a job with a chain of vet practices as a patient care assistant (aka travelling dogsbody). One of the conditions of taking the job was agreeing to undertake vet nurse training- bonus! A chance to get paid (albeit a feeble salary) while studying. I re-vamped and emailed my Cv straight away. To my great suprise, I had a reply the next day saying it had been forwarded to the area manager and the day after I had a phone call. I arranged an interview the next week (they wanted me to come in the next day, but I needed to get time off work).
   The interview went really well. I wasn't nervous at all and I actually rather enjoyed the friendly chat. I had another phone call as soon as I'd got home to arrange a trial session for the end of that week. It all seemed to be going rather quickly and in an uncharacteristic move, I actually let myself get quite excited about a possible change. 
   The trial was pretty much as I expected, maybe a little disappointing. I was told to be following and observing the head nurse and was doing quite well at the observing part- tucking myself out of everyone's way.Then the head nurse got called in to do a consultation and I was just left waiting. Nobody was particularly friendly and there were no offers of tasks or anything interesting to do, so I waited. Eventually, just as I'd read the last remaining notice on the wall, someone came and gave me a job of washing things. This was as exciting as it got, apart from cleaning a couple of cages. Anyway, at the end of the long 3 hours the head nurse was really positive and said that she'd pass on that I'd done my trial, that it went really well and she hoped they'd see me soon. I went home tired but upbeat to enjoy the weekend. 
   During my lunchbreak on the following Tuesday I was checking my emails and I noticed I had one from the vet manager. I wasn't going to read it because I wasn't sure I would be able to contain myself for the rest of my shift if I knew I could leave. Then I decided the nagging curiosity would be much worse. So I read the email. I was totally confused when I found myself reading a generic rejection- "thankyou for applying...bla bla bla...we won't be taking it any further at this point in time etc." Baffling considering how quick they were to respond, how positive they were and that I got as far as having a trial that went "really well". The last 2 hours of the shift were spent resisting the alternating urges to cry and hit things. Not fun.
   So basically in the space of 3 weeks I managed to choose a career, find a way in, try it out, confirm it was a good choice for me, talk myself into making the change and then been completely rejected with no idea why (I'm still waiting for a reply to my feedback request). I can only assume they didn't want me based on something to do with meeting me and my performance on the trail session because I can't see why they would take the application that far if I didn't have all the credentials. This makes the rejection feel all the more personal.
I'm not going to let it put me off though. The next step (once the festive season has passed) is going to be to throw my Cv around all the local registered training practices to try and find somewhere willing to take me on as a trainee. If that doesn't work (and I suspect it won't) then I will have to attempt to do some work experience and apply to college myself. The colleges provide placements while on the course but they will be unpaid, making this will be the most expensive way to train.
   Anyway, that's my new plan. Unless I have a radical change of heart or something really drastic happens, I'll hopefully be on the way to starting a proper career by this time next year. Until then I'm preapring myself mentally for another 2 years or so stuck at home. I'm also going to try and stockpile as much cash as I can to prepare for the leaner times ahead.

Sat Nav for my life

It's been a goodly while since I've thought about this blog. I've not really had any bright ideas about a direction to take it; much like my life is still rather lacking a definite direction. I have however stumbled upon an urge to follow a more positive and upbeat train of thought.
There is a lot I want to change about myself and about my life, but it's too much to take on all at once. I've discovered the key to feeling better about it all is to accept it can only work if I take tiny steps. I'm not going to be able to up-sticks and move overnight, so I'm trying to create a fund for when I finally do. I won't be able to suddenly get healthier overnight, but I can make small changes to my lifestyle. I won't feel anymore relaxed at home any time soon, so I'm trying to do more things that involve me going out. The problem with that is people are generally much busier than I am. I'm going to try and rectify this by finding activities I don't mind doing alone. I need to stop being such a recluse! There aren't any real prospects of me being able to transfer jobs (I'd like to keep working in the same area of civil service) at least not in the immediate future; so I'm trying to find ways of making it more bearable where I am. I know I've said similar before. This time it seems to actually be working.
I've also recently taken small steps back into the world of writing again. When I was a child I always had my nose in a book and I was always scribbling something down. When asked what I wanted to be when I grew up I would always say an author. It was always something I wanted to take further, but I ended up being persuaded I wasn't really good enough and I lost my motivation. I went back to my primary school recently for its 100th anniversary. While there I ran into 2 of my favourite teachers. As soon as I had introduced myself they remembered me as "the writer". It made me feel sad and quite regretful. So I decided to do something about it. I've had a story bubbling around in my head for a long time now. It feels good to be finally taking the first steps towards getting the story out of my head and onto the page. At the moment I'm just getting things done slowly; a little bit here and there in between other things. It's all very rough and is going to be a long time before I feel confident enough to let anybody look at it. It just feels good to have something to be working towards. And hey, if mediocre literature like the Twilight saga, Eragon and the like can be published and successful there must be some hope for me! Although I still doubt I'll ever have the motivation and drive to see it all the way through. For now though, I'm enjoying commanding a pen again and that's all I want from writing at the moment.
Another scheme I'm also in the process of concocting is the possibilty of making a little extra cash from my drawings. I think I could be quite good at creating pet portraits. I'll have to get a bit more practice before I take paid commisions. I'd feel guilty taking money for my inferior work. Maybe I'll experiment with friends first at a discounted rate!

Blue screen of purpose

I'm sitting at work right now (a rare event) writing this. You of course are reading this a couple of days later as I'm not actually able to type this at work. I have to use good old-fashioned pen and paper. I'm sitting alone in a computer room at the moment (an hour and a half so far; around seven hours by the end of the day). My job for today is to sit and wait for parcels the magic machine can't read to appear on the screen. I then have to enter the code to send each one down the right chute. Most of the time I'm just staring at a blue screen which tells me "Waiting for new parcels, please wait". Needless to say I am currently rather bored indeed. In fact, not too long ago I was fighting the urge to fall asleep. I've also been fighting the urge to scream over the walkie-talkie. As i don't really talk much at work I think that might freak my colleagues out a little too much to be comfortable.
Anyway, the main point of this is that while contemplating the extreme dullness of my existance it occurred to me that if it's boring to be living, it must be a thousand times less interesting to read. I think this blog needs a direction. Who knows? Maybe it will even help me find more of a direction. Yes, I like this idea; give this blog a purpose.
The problem is that I don't think I really know what direction to take. I don't really take an active enough interest in politics to write about that. My job is too dull. I enjoy reading, but I don't read enough for a book blog. I dabble here and there in craft projects, but not enough to inspire or to instruct. I have a limited interest in science and technology. I enjoy nature, but I don't really keep up to date with the latest news and discoveries in that field. I don't even really get to spend much time indulging in my love of natural things. [Note to self: I must find time to get out more (and not to the pub!)] I do enjoy films and when I can find someone to come with me I do go to cinema quite a lot. I also rent films through one of those postal things, so maybe a movie blog could be an idea... I could relate mildly amusing anecdotes, but eventually I'd have to find more which might prove tricky as I don't really do a lot or interact much with people on a day to day basis.
I could ask what people would like to read about, but as nobody reads this anyway that would be a fairly pointless exercise. If the blog had more structure it might be more worthy of an audience. So really this actually has no purpose. I still have no direction- in this blog nor in life- and I'm not sure I'll find one.

O hai blog!

It's been much longer than anticipated. I mentioned in the last post I'd just heard back about a job. Well it was all go from there. I started work the week before christmas. I had already booked tickets to see one of my long-standing favourite bands, Sonic Boom Six on a Sunday night. This meant I had to turn up to my first day of work with next to no sleep, which was extremely fun! I also went to see Tim Minchin after my second day; again, no sleep. Things really got exciting on the Friday. I should mention that this was the week when all the crazy snowfall hit the UK and we crumbled under it. I got back to my Nan's house after work to find she'd had a fall in the bedroom. In the end I had to get my Sister to come over and help me lift her (we were due to meet there for a gig anyway) and Mum was on her way home from work. The next thing I knew my Sis was talking to Mum on the phone. It turned out Mummy had to get off the bus a couple of stops away and she'd slipped over in the ice. I decided to head out and find Mum, running (yes, me actually moving faster than a walk!) around the corner to find her in a heap on the ground. Apparently the ambulance was going to take 3 hours! Anyway, to keep this brief Dad came and took Mum to hospital while my sister and I carried on and went to the gig (Madness, who were brilliant). So I ended up spending my second week at work staying at Nan's to look after her and waiting to find out when Mum would be home. Mum eventually came out of hospital at 1am on Christmas eve with her ankle broken on both sides; a pin holding one side and a plate in the other. This left me almost entirely in charge of the Christmas festivities, which I can now say went rather well.
I have pretty much spent the last couple of months juggling the new job with looking after Mummy and Nanny at Nan's house and with keeping things ticking over at home. Needless to say I haven't really had a lot of time to do anything for myself for a while and I haven't really been my usual self.
The good news is that Mummy is on the mend and now I feel like I can breath again. I'm actually managing to spend some more time at home and fitting in social activities again. I booked this week off work for a bit of a catch up (the housework has fallen grossly behind as it seems only I am trained in the art) and so far I haven't done nearly as much as I should. I seem to have accidentally started watching Dollhouse again which is proving distracting. Housework is boring. I must get on and do things though. I need to get focused on relaxing again!

I want a squishy!

I'm so broody right now! I think it's a side effect of this cloud I seem to be trapped inside at the moment. I just want to feel needed. There's something so rewarding in knowing that someone is depending on you. It becomes a reason to get through each day. I definitely need that right now. I'm not broody for a baby by the way. I'm not getting into that kind of craziness! I really really want a dog. It's like a deep-seated need. I can't really explain it.I'm enjoying spending more times with the rats, but I need something a bit more stimulating and responsive. I want something to hug but the ratties won't stay still for long enough. I keep looking at dogs who need rehoming and picking out who I would take home. The most annoying thing is that the last couple of years would have been the ideal time to take on a dog. I've been around most of the day so it wouldn't have been alone too long. I could have got the dog gradually used to being alone for longer, ready for going back to work. I would have been in the ideal position to make sure any new addition was properly settled in. The main obstacles have been the state of the house (living with an obstinate hoarder is never a good idea), the rodent pets (never a good mix with a new dog) and more recently my potential employment (more on this momentarily). For now I will just make do with giggling at the ratties' antics and smothering them with love and treats.

On the subject of a job; I haz one! I finally got through the wall of security and terrorist checks and had a phone call about starting work. I'm just waiting for the paper work to come through now, so I know what to expect. While it's put an end to my dog-acquiring plans for the moment, it will help in the long run as I'll finally have some funds and eventually be in a position to move somewhere better. Although I'm not entirely sure how I feel about it all right now. I am looking forward to having a proper schedule again and decent money coming in. I was, however just settling in to a routine of caring and volunteering which allowed me time to indulge in some of my hobbies. I've been my own boss and not really had any commitments for so long now it's going to be a strange feeling to be going to work every day. To be honest, I'm not really sure how I feel about it right now. I guess I'll know more once I get started.

Ouchies

Last week was a fairly interesting week (by my standards anyway). I managed to hurt myself in quite a lot of really stupid ways. On Monday I managed to burn a neat line on my temple with hair straighteners. During the course of Tuesday I managed to acquire some really itchy insect bites on one ankle and then to twist the other ankle (on the way to the doctor's surgery). The further irony of the ankle-twisting is that at the time I was distracted thinking about how I hadn't had any flare-ups of my old ankle injury for a long time. Foolish me! The real injury of the week happened on Thursday when my ankle decided a sprain wasn't enough, gave up and launched me towards the pavement. The result of this was a neat slice on my palm, a skinned knee and the re-aggravation of my old ligament damage. Yay!
I'd forgotten how much this kind of injury manages to hurt. Once I'd hobbled home and the shock had worn off, I got slapped with the pain-stick well and truly. I am not someone who cries readily, in fact it's a very rare occurence for me (probably a contributing factor to my interesting mental state of affairs). Anyway, what I was about to say was that my ankle hurt so much it managed to meke me teary. The problem being that once I'd filled up, the torrent was unleashed full-force. In a watery explosion of self-pity I managed to weep furiously for over an hour before running out of energy and falling asleep. I have to say, I did feel a hell of a lot better in myself when I woke up (aside from the ankle pain). The positive feeling was no doubt helped along by the prospect of a weekend away from home. I set off on Friday, with the help of a crutch and grim determination towards Bristol for a few days of fun.
I returned after a thoroughly enjoyable (and much needed) break with pulled muscles in my arm (from using the crutch) and now I get to experience the delightful low that always seem to follow these highs. I'm left contemplating what is worse; the physical pain from my various mishaps, or the mental ache caused by contemplating my current situation and remembering and re-imagining events past.

All change please!

A very overdue blog! After not a lot of note happening in my humdrum life for a while, it seems now is the time for change.

The first big step was last month when I finally snapped and signed off JSA. I'd been claiming for 6 months (though I've been unemployed for almost a year). Anyway, I'd got to the point where they were lining up a load of pointless courses and planning to send a load of jobs my way which have nothing to do with anything I'm interested in or qualified for. They were even talking about re-training. If I'd wanted to work in a different field surely it would have crossed my mind that I might need to train in it?! In short, the point is I'd had enough and that, combined with other things lead me to jump-ship.

I was gutted last month when the two rats I'd inherited from a friend both died. They'd both been quite sickly on and off since I took them on so in a way it was a kind of relief not to have to worry about them breaking anymore. I was still genuinely sad to see them go though. Just by chance, while browsing teh interwebz I found a pair of ratty girls looking for a home (at the time I still had one of the old girls so I had to ignore my findings). On finding myself ratless how could I say no? I arranged to meet them before committing, expecting to have to arrange the usual home visit but ended up leaving with a box of fluffy children. Apparently I seem to know what I'm doing (as far as rodents go at least!) I'll probably write about them more another time. They are certainly keeping me busy!

Over the last month or two I've been spending a lot more time with my Nan. She was recently diagnosed with dementia and it's been good for her to have someone keeping an eye her. The second big change I've made is to take up the responsibility of being Nan's carer on a more official level. This was another factor in quitting the dole. I figured if I'm going to be unemployed for the forseeable future, I'd rather be doing something productive with my time. So now I actually have somewhere to be every day and I feel like I'm actually serving some sort of genuine purpose for the first time since I left uni two years ago.

As if all that upheaval wasn't enough, a few days after quitting jobseeker's I had an ominous-looking brown envelope through the post. I finally got a job offer! I'm not going to say too much about it, but providing I pass all the security checks (ooo!) I could be a productive little worker bee again. The only annoyance is that I won't find out anything concrete for a couple of months. It will be a great leap forward if it all works out though. I can build up some funds for the future and the hours mean that hopefully I can still check in on Nan.

So yeah, I'm feeling a whole lot more positive now. I feel like I actually have a reason to get up every day. Something which has been seriously lacking for a long time. Here's to the future!

Midnight meanderings

It's been a good while since I've felt like I have something I want to say. The last thing I wrote was two sides of very depressing and angry scrawl when drunk (which will not be seen again) and before that some other emotional but un-blogworthy ramblings (which I think I ended up sticking on my deviantart).
I've not really been up to much since I last wrote on here. I'm still jobless, still living at home, still not driving and still trying to distract myself with endless tasks that never get finished. It was my birthday a couple of days ago and that got me thinking about life and its mediocrity. I haven't really thought seriously about it all for the last month or so. Not that I'm thinking anything particularly exciting in the grand scheme of things; just about how there's actually no point worrying about where life is headed and why I'm not where I thought I'd be. All I can do is take control of all the individual aspects I can and by doing so, hope I can eventually steer myself in a positive direction. Looking at my current situation like this, it turns out there's actually quite a lot I can do.
I can't control whether or not I will actually get given a job, but I can choose which ones I apply for (it's so difficult to balance applying for enough to get paid, but not get lumbered with an unwanted job). I can also use the money I get while looking to take the immediate pressure off. I can't control the state of our house (a constant source of stress for me) but I can clear out my room, sort out all the crap I've been hoarding and make myself a little sanctuary. I can't live anywhere else at the moment, but I can start making plans for when I eventually leave- looking at flats, possible jobs and planning what I'll need. I have only limited control over when I'll finally master driving but I can go out to each lesson with a positive outlook; relaxed and attentive instead of stressed and panicky. I can't ignore the fact I have a long list of self-appointed tasks that just keeps extending, but I can work through them steadily. There's something so satisfying about crossing things off a list!
From today I'm going to force myself to keep busy. I need to gather up some motivation from deep down and use it to make sure I fill this life-gap with positivity. I need to get out of the house more than my weekly dog walking at Dogs Trust.
On a lighter note, I'm annoyed we keep having power cuts this evening! I'm trying to watch Shigurui Death Frenzy (a pretty but slow-moving, complex anime) and I keep having to find my place all over again. Also, everytime the power goes all the house alarms start up which is not a fun sound at all. The only torch I can find is a lightsaber which makes noises that are really loud and irritating.
There. It feels better to have a little rant! lol I think that's me done for now. Over and out.

Social Animals

Well, it's been a busy few weeks (by my standards). It's definitely been making me feel refreshed and upbeat (although it's not doing the same for my bank balance) but now I've had a chance to p[ause and take stock, I'm left feeling rather hopeless and apathetic. The start of a new year, a new decade has left me feeling a tad down shall we say. Partly about the complete waste of the last year and also about the fact that this year is shaping up to bring more of the same or perhaps be even more of a waste. I'm not where I want to be and certainly not where I thought I'd be by this point. There just seems to be so much in the way at the moment that I'm inclined not to bother trying anymore, although I know that would be the worst thing to do. Apathy never helped anyone acheive great things (or even minor acomplishments come to that). This year I really need to knuckle down, get focused and get on with things that will help me towards my goals (whatever the hell they are) but I'll get round to that eventually! Anyway, due to family issues it seems my unemployment may actually have occurred at just the right time to be useful so I suppose that counts for something.

I didn't really intend this to be about me doing nothing. What I wanted to write about was friendship and to look at the social nature of humans. I'm not entirely sure why, but this has been in my thoughts of late.
We certainly aren't the only species that relies on and actively seeks the company of its own kind. In fact a great many species do, seeking to be surrounded by others and all the interaction involved be it positive or negative. On the surface this could simply be viewed as a grouping formed out of neccesity. For many prey species a group provides safety; more eyes and ears to watch out for danger, more individuals to fight back and less chance of being targeted from among the group. Predators may group to improve their chances of bringing down prey and to defend themselves from rivals and for foraging animals, a larger group means protection as well as more hands to gather food. On a deeper level, there would seem to be a much stronger reason for some of these groupings- almost a craving for company.
Where animals live in social groups they have a clear social order that is maintained by strict rules. All the animals within the group learn these rules from a young age. They are crucial for the family to work and flouting the rules can result in aggression, violence, rejection and even death for a group member who chooses to do so. All the individuals know their place and society is reletively harmoneous. Why is it that humans can't seem to maintain or accept any real social order and harmony? With humans everything is so complex and diverse. People can't and don't learn all the rules of socially acceptable behaviour while young- there are too many and they are too fluid. The consequences for flounting group rules are not a matter of life and death as they are for other species and they can often appear non-existant. The way that people gather and group in such huge numbers lends them an almost insect-like quality. The swarming, invading, attacking and hoarding qualities are all shared. The main difference being that humans lack the order and organisation which these huge insect colonies use to function effectively as a community.
Friendship for its own sake is a concept that appears to be uniquely human. Within other species there is little choice over the members present within a group. Animals do not need to seek out those who share their specific interests or have characteristics in common as their similarities occur naturally within their daily lives. Why do humans have their ideal of finding one partner for life? Although there is evidence of faithful pairings within the animal kingdom, this is usually only for the duration of one breeding season. Come the next season, animals tend to find a new partner. So why is it that a person can feel so intensely drawn to another over such a long time, sometimes a whole lifetime? What is it about humans that makes them so unique?

I'm in the sort of mood where I could ramble for days but I think I'll leave this there for now!

Locks and Mental Blocks

I've discovered I'm not as much of a blogger as I thought I might be... I think part of the trouble lies in the fact that despite there being a constant babble of thoughts (many highly interesting, relevant and amusing; others less so) running through my head, for the most part I seem fairly incapable of actually channeling the flow. This often includes the simple act of channeling my thoughts to my mouth (many a humorous speech failure, miss-timed comment or unexpected sentence-blurting has occurred as a result). The problem seems to be amplified whenever I am required to bring thoughts out into the aether via the telephone. Using the phone frequently fills me with a sense of dread at the inevitable decline in my brain function as soon as the device appears next to my ear. This rediculous inaptitude towards expressing the inner workings of my mind also appears to extend to an inability to get my brain-thinkings out in other formats (via the computey-box, inky-stick or even in an arty manner).

Overall this leads to a feeling of being somewhat powerless and definitely very frustrated. It has even led to the frustration of others at my apparent lack of opinions or feelings about a great many things. It's not that I don't have them- I just can't get them out! I just feel like there's so much going on up top that I want to share but my attempts to do this are constantly hampered. For example, I do feel (without wanting to sound too pompous) that somewhere within the murky depths of my mind-tank there is definitely a novel waiting to be unearthed or an art piece I'm actually proud of , maybe even a script of some sort. Although with current forcefield that appears to surround my thoughts, nothing can get out. True, I get the odd spurt of actually exhibiting proper expressive ability (this being a shoddy example of one), but these are all too few. The irregularity of these spurts creates the additional frustration of me constantly having an abundance of half-finished projects lying about begging to be completed.

My head is like a heavy old wooden trunk with a robust and ancient metal lock at the front. The lock has always been tricky to open but as time goes on, both the mechanism and the key start to rust and decay, so the trunk becomes increasingly more difficult to unlock and eventually the contents of said trunk are forgotten and rendered meaningless. I just need a way to break open the rusty lock so the contents can be freely accessed.

Anyway, feeble attempt to explain my state of mind (or lack thereof) and lame analogy over with I shall now depart and continue to try and solve a little more of the mystery and freakish wonder that is me.

A long overdue ramble about life and death

Ok well this is going to be a very long and pointless sort of ramble. I actually wrote this a while ago and have only jus got around to finishing it. As cliche as it sounds, I've actually been thinking about life and death a lot recently. Still being stuck in the rut is really starting to get to me now. I feel like life is wasting away while I sit here and let it. It's like being stood in the middle of one of those rickety rope bridges across a gorge, watching the ropes start to fray from either end and planks of wood fall dramatically down thousands of feet into the fast-flowing river below and I can do nothing but watch it happen.
I lost one of my fluffy little ratty fats a couple of weeks ago. He'd been kind of ill on and off for ages, but then he suddenly seemed to pick up again. His eyes were brighter, his curly fur was softer and fluffier; he was even unusually energetic. Then a couple of weeks ago he just sort of shut down. He stopped eating and generally seemed to give up on everything. At least he went peacefully in his sleep in the end.
Anyway, it got me thinking: firstly, that animals have the right idea just getting on with life (they don't waste time messing about with things that really aren't important) and secondly, I started thinking that unfortunately I'm not an animal and as such there are many unimportant things I have to deal with. So I should just accept this and get on with sorting everything out instead of merely laying down and giving up while life goes on without me. The other thought this lead me to was the slightly more morbid thought that if I were to snuff it tomorrow, would I have actually done anything worthwhile?
On pondering this (via the decision of what actually constitutes a 'worthwhile' achievement) I came to the conclusion that my answer would have to be "no".
The basic upshoot of all this is that I have decided to force myself to take some steps (albeit small ones) towards where I actually want to be in my life right now.

And since all this thinking I've actually taken the first step. I actually handed in my notice at work. It's probably not the best decision from a financial point of view, but for the sake of my sanity it had to be done. I think a year of totally screwed up sleep patterns has taken it's toll and made me a little broken inside. Now I think the next step is to try and find another part time job with less hours and where management aren't quite such cretins (apologies for the use of such a derogatory term). Once that's done, the next step is to start volunteering somewhere with beasties because apparently I do not have enough animal care experience to be remotely employable. Then I need to crack on with learning to drive (which I am currently annoyingly bad at). Maybe better sleep will help me concentrate better.
So, that's all for now. I'm taking hold of my life again and telling it where I wan't to go instead of being a bystander.

Nothingness

Wow! I did not realise it's been quite so long! Although in my defence, I have been fairly busy of late. As usual, there's not a whole lot of excitement here. I've just returned from a weekend in Plymouth with my sister, celebrating a friend's birthday. I always love going back there. It's a place that has so many happy memories for me and is still home to many of my favourite people. Truth be told, I don't really want to be back. While I have become more accepting of my current situation it is still far from ideal. Family tend to have that amazing knack for making you feel rather smothered . This it seems is particularly true if you happen to be in the unfortunate position of being somewhere where there is no one else to escape to. Don't get me wrong, I love them to bits, but there's only so much anyone can take. I guess the same is true of living with anyone- friends, family, partners- it's just that under normal circumstances there are other people to provide relief.
I think maybe what I need is a serious goal to aim for: A clear-cut reason for me to be stuck here slowly festering away. I feel like I'm jus drifting into nothingness and while that may be acceptable for some, I am getting rather frustrated with it all now. I need to get my thinking cap on and start sorting out what exactly to do next. I've already been making do for longer than I'd hoped! Time to get off my arse and SORT MY LIFE OUT! xD

A stitch in time...

The last week or so has been unusually eventful for me. Not a whole lot usually goes on here in the delightful realms of Not-quite-proper-London-but-near-enough-to-have-all the-bad-bits. Work hasn't been as awful as usual. Well, it's still completely mind-numbing and physically hard work but it's like something in my head has just snapped and all of a sudden it has stopped filling me with that awful feeling of dread. Maybe I've finally accepted that there's no way I'll get anything better right now :( Such a depressing prospect!
Awwwwwww! You know when something is so cute it makes you want to cry? Jus looked to my right and the ratties r both snuggled up together half under the duvet >_< So kawaii!
Friday was a particularly good day for me. My sister and I took mummy out to pizza express for a mother's day meal. The best part of this was that we had to wait ages for our main courses (due to an arguement and dismissal in the kitchen we were later informed) and ended up getting them for free! =D Free pizza is the best thing EVER!!! After returning home more than pleasantly full and rather sleepy I had my first driving lesson. It's something I've been meaning to do for a long time but kept putting off for various reasons. The first lesson wasn't too strenuous. In fact I found it quite refreshing to have a new challenge. I'm looking forward to this week's lesson, which is surprising to me considering how freaked out I was (and still kind of am) by the whole prospect of being behind the wheel.
Went to an awesome gig on Saturday. One of my most favourite bands, Sonic Boom Six, supporting an old 80's reggae/ ska band, The Beat. Despite being more chilled out than gigs I usually attend- no mosh pit and mostly just bobbing- I had a really good time. I got to chat to Laila, the singer for a bit too, which is always cool. I need to practice being less socially inept! lol It felt good that she actually remembered me from other gigs, made me feel appreciated! I can't wait for the next gig! :)
Today has been rather lazy. Very much a movie day. Got sucked in to a random black and white film this morn. I think it was called The Appartment. Was very good, highly recommended. I've spent the rest of the day watching various films from my collection, culminating in Lilo and Stitch. I've decided Stitch is amazing and is possibly my favourite Disney character. And on that note, I think it's time to leave...

Art bits

Firstly I would like to declare my undying love for my Tv! I'm sitting on my bed watching Sleeping Beauty and it looks amazing! The colours are so bright and shiny. It's one of the reasons I love this film so much. It's like watching the Disney version of a medieval painting or stained glass window. Eeee it makes me all happy inside!!! They've got all the angular shapes and simple shading down to a tee and all the backdrops are just right. Makes me want to do a big painting in that style. Ooo but what to paint?
I've been bitten by the art bug again recently. Trouble is I seem to have been bitten by many different types of art bugs all at once and now I have a whole load of mini projects on the go all at once. The trouble is I can't seem to get round to finishing any of them! I've got a bag of stuffing I was meant to be making sock creatures with (but I only got as far as sock-bat), an unfinished denim patchwork and cushion cover, a line drawing of my fursona, the cardboard base for a huge claymore, an almost finished peacock sketch and now a whole load of steampunky items to create! In theory I should have enough time to finish it all, I mean I'm only working 3 nights a week. I just lose focus too easily nowadays...
Aww my fat little ratties are so cute! They're being all snuggly. I just want to poke them and squish them! In fact, that is what I will now do. The film is finished and I've been boring long enough so it's time to poke rats and add some colour to things :D

Soup

During a brief nostalgic moment over the weekend I ended up reading my old myspace blogging rants. I decided It's been a while since I've had any kind of outlet for my mind soup. This is the new bowl! Mmm soup...

There is a lot going on in my head at the mo, but mostly its all swirly and not in a writable form. It's all watery soup, no real meaty chunks to serve up right now. Lets just see what's bubbling...

I've been sort of stuck in a rut since heading back home. There's just nothing to do. Well, there are things I could do if I had the inclination to treck into town all the time, but there is nothing locally that is remotely entertaining. Unless you count mindless vandalism or muggings. Hmm now there's a thought! I'm sure I've got a hoody and some jogging bottoms somewhere.

I've decided I really miss having people around. Not random people, I mean my friends. Don't get me wrong, it's nice to have my family around, but there's only so much of them you can take! lol I never really figured myself as a people person but I think maybe I am. I miss people. Maybe I should leave the house and find some.