Feeling Stronger

So I've had a couple weeks where I've done a lot of reflecting. I've learned a few things about myself and some parts of my life that I need to have a serious look at.

The first thing I learned, which was something I had long forgotten, is that I can actually look nice if I really make the effort. I went to a friend's wedding a couple of weeks ago and I got so many compliments just because I'd put on a little make up and I wore a skirt. I'll be honest, in the build up to the event my anxiety level was quite high. I was stressed about how I could look suitably weddingy, feminine and summery but still feel comfortable and like myself. To solve this I bought a skirt with a dinosaur print (more interesting than flowers, right?!) Then I was anxious about it being too wacky and that it might look like I was trying to pull focus from the bride. I also stressed myself out a bit about wearing a vest and having my tattoos out for a similar reason. Then I remembered that I was being silly. The bride is one of my best and oldest friends. She would want me to be my usual odd self and besides that she would be looking stunning in her dress so there would be no way I could pull focus from her on her big day (except among the children I discovered). In the end I had such a good time and I surprised myself with how comfortable I managed to feel all dressed up.
I have also found that I should have more confidence in my abilities. This is something I have been told repeatedly but somehow it never seems to sink in. In the last week or so I've had several people remind me that I am capable and I can achieve. I need to make this really stick this time around.

One major thing I am realising is that I hinder my own progress with my lack of motivation. I get very easily stuck in the habit of doing the same, easy things rather than get stuck into some real challenges that would actually do me good. I let myself get away with laziness and make excuses to myself.

After having a good chat with my mum and seeing all the big steps she is taking to change her life, I'm feeling much more determined. I feel more like I can and will make the changes I need to in my own life.
It's going to be hard work and I know I'm going to struggle to keep going; I'm going to need to ask for help from people (which I never feel comfortable doing) and I know I'm going to have to make myself feel weak and vulnerable. I'm fed up of saying I don't have time and making excuses. I have to make time by cutting out the time I spend on things that don't matter. I need to make myself accountable for my actions, so I can't just let myself get away with not doing things.

Today is when I get things started. No more waiting until next week, next month or next year. I'm going to start by making a detailed list and plan. It's a start that I feel comfortable with. I like making lists and plans. They help me to tidy up the buzzing mess that's inside my head and help keep me positive when I can cross things off the list. The difference this time is that making the list will only be a start- I have to make sure I follow the plan through.

The next step is going to be to make people aware of what I'm working towards and how I'll be doing it. I need someone else to get behind me and put a bit of pressure on. If I am accountable to other people and not just myself then I will not be able to let things slide. I find I always harder for others than I do for myself, so I plan to start using this to my advantage. That should be one of my new ideals I think- to play to my strengths. Of course one of the first hard things to do is going to be working out what my strengths actually are. I have grown far too used to being negative about myself.

Well, I guess that step one is getting my intentions out there and I've pretty much done that now. So now it's off for step two of making the list. I suppose I'll be back here once that is done. Even if nobody actually sees it, the thought that people might do could act as an ultimatum for me. If not, then maybe just the act of writing things down clearly will be cathartic in its own right. Here we go.

The Importance of Ink

   I am big fan of tattoos and I've had a lot of work done,  including two full sleeves. I've also had a few ideas for more big pieces lurking in my head for a few years.
   One of these ideas is a design based on an old poster for the Women's Land Army from the Second World War. My Nan worked in the WLA during the war and I would enjoy hearing her tell us about what she used to do. I was thinking about the tattoo while Nan was still around, but I was already getting a lot of work done on other pieces so I never actually started it.
   In the last month or so I've been feeling the urge for more tattoo work so I started expanding on the land girl idea. This resulted in me coming up with an ink drawing. Once I finished this I had a sort of ink mania and decided I had to go and book for the tattoo, finally getting it started last week. Right now I've got to the itching and peeling stage, but last week it was really sore and I was asking myself why I insist on repeatedly going through the process.
   This got me thinking more in depth about the tattooing process and why I like tattoos so much.
   I think one of the reasons I keep going back for more is that I find it quite therapeutic. Definitely not in a physically relaxing sort of way, but more of a mental relief. I realised that with only the pain and end result to focus on, getting a tattoo is one of the few times I can actually switch my brain off from all the anxious thoughts that are constantly buzzing around. When I hobble out of the studio I feel somehow lighter. For me it's as good as talking to someone about what's going on in my head, probably better. It's like a realisation that I can get through a lot more than I feel like I can most of the time. The physical pain and discomfort is like a sort of manifestation of the way my mind feels and I can focus on that instead.
   Another reason I'm so tattooed is to do with confidence (or rather a lack of it). I am not a confident person at all and social situations are a source of anxiety for me. I don't like to be noticed. Now this makes me sound a bit crazy; I hear you thinking "surely inking yourself up makes you more noticeable?" Well, I guess it does. The way it works for me is that I feel like people notice my tattoos instead of actually seeing me. I suppose I use them as a kind of distraction or disguise. Also, I don't think I'm particularly physically attractive and I wouldn't get many compliments on the way I look, so it gives me a real confidence boost when people look at and admire my tattoos. They make me feel more attractive and comfortable in my own skin.
   I'm rubbish at small talk and especially talking about myself, so my tattoos often act as a way for me to engage in conversation with people without feeling quite so awkward. I like it when people take the time to really look and to ask questions. I think a lot of people are really surprised by how much work has gone in to them and the way they are more like art pieces than trivial mementos. I sometimes feel like I'm an ambassador for tattoos. I have a role showing sceptics that well mannered, quiet and sensible people can also have ink; having tattoos does not automatically turn you into a lout.
   So, for me my tattoos are important. I get to share a part of myself and my creativity when coming up with a design idea and the process itself gives me a much needed break from my own mind. Tattoos are a big part of who I am now and they serve a purpose every day, helping me to interact with the world. On top of all this, I think they look pretty damn cool and I get to walk around with works of art on me for the rest of my life! 

Back in to the fray!

Ok, so six years on from my last blog post I have decided I might give this a go again. I was just going to start a completely new site, but after coming back here I felt oddly nostalgic. I was going to delete all my old posts, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I found it interesting to look back at how I was back then. So much has changed and yet also a lot of things are still pretty much the same.

To summarise what happened to me since my last blog post:

• I finished learning to drive and got a car
• I got my first big tattoo.
• I wrote a fair chunk of the novel I'd been thinking about; then got distracted by life, put it on a back-burner and eventually lost interest. I don't think it would have been very good anyway.
• I left the postal job for a new job looking after military working dogs.
• I moved to Leicestershire for the new job, without knowing anybody or the area.
• I started the full sleeve tattoo I'd been thinking about. Then I finished that, and a full sleeve on my other arm.
• I met someone online and we eventually moved in together. He came with a dog, so I finally have a pooch!
• I did start selling pet portraits, although I haven't really done any for a couple of years.
• My Nan deteriorated and eventually passed away.
• I crashed my car into a field, wrote it off and never bothered to get another one.
• I left the kennel job and did a dog grooming course.
• We decided to move to Bristol where a lot of my friends were.
• We moved into a shabby shared house with a couple of friends (and subsequently some nice randoms when our friends couldn't take the house anymore).
• I got a job working for a veterinary charity; trying and failing to get back on the path to veterinary nursing again. I also realised that unless you set up your own dog grooming business it is incredibly difficult to find someone to give you any experience or a job.
• I left the job at the vets after the night work started making me ill and they made it clear I wasn't getting the chance to progress any time soon.
• We moved out of Bristol, to a nice quiet suburb of Weston-Super-Mare.
• I worked as a temp in an office for a while until the dullness and the commute got to be too much.
• I started formulating plans to set up a dog-friendly cafe and pet shop, but they remain plans until I somehow have enough money to set it up :(
• I got married! XD
• My Dad moved around the corner.
• I took at job working in a cafe/shop at a well known holiday camp (despite actually applying to work in the laundry and having no experience of working in a kitchen). The particular branch where I was catered mostly for over 50's and large events and was often very busy.
• I left there because I was getting too stressed by the increasing pressure and by the unpredictability of the zero hours contract. 
• I now work part time in the staff canteen of a supermarket. I did not think I would ever work in food, but for now I seem to be quite enjoying it and I haven't poisoned anybody so far!

As for things that are still the same, the list is also quite long! My mind is still very much like the soup I described it as before. I still have multiple projects on the go that I get distracted from and can't finish. I still haven't done anything lasting to be healthier and I still feel like my life is going nowhere. I still don't see people as much as I'd like (although at least now I have one other person who I can see all the time). I am still broody for dogs even though I have one (he needs a playmate I think). I also still have no idea which direction I should take this blog.

I'm thinking that for now it will do me good just to have something to write about; to get my brain back in to a more writery mindset. I'm going to see if I can manage to get something written down weekly to start with. It will also make me more accountable for all the projects I've got on the go if other people are aware of them. Sometimes I think I just need that extra bit of pressure to actually get things done; not that I'm particularly convinced anyone will actually read it , but the thought that somebody could might just be enough. We shall see I guess!