Feeling Stronger

So I've had a couple weeks where I've done a lot of reflecting. I've learned a few things about myself and some parts of my life that I need to have a serious look at.

The first thing I learned, which was something I had long forgotten, is that I can actually look nice if I really make the effort. I went to a friend's wedding a couple of weeks ago and I got so many compliments just because I'd put on a little make up and I wore a skirt. I'll be honest, in the build up to the event my anxiety level was quite high. I was stressed about how I could look suitably weddingy, feminine and summery but still feel comfortable and like myself. To solve this I bought a skirt with a dinosaur print (more interesting than flowers, right?!) Then I was anxious about it being too wacky and that it might look like I was trying to pull focus from the bride. I also stressed myself out a bit about wearing a vest and having my tattoos out for a similar reason. Then I remembered that I was being silly. The bride is one of my best and oldest friends. She would want me to be my usual odd self and besides that she would be looking stunning in her dress so there would be no way I could pull focus from her on her big day (except among the children I discovered). In the end I had such a good time and I surprised myself with how comfortable I managed to feel all dressed up.
I have also found that I should have more confidence in my abilities. This is something I have been told repeatedly but somehow it never seems to sink in. In the last week or so I've had several people remind me that I am capable and I can achieve. I need to make this really stick this time around.

One major thing I am realising is that I hinder my own progress with my lack of motivation. I get very easily stuck in the habit of doing the same, easy things rather than get stuck into some real challenges that would actually do me good. I let myself get away with laziness and make excuses to myself.

After having a good chat with my mum and seeing all the big steps she is taking to change her life, I'm feeling much more determined. I feel more like I can and will make the changes I need to in my own life.
It's going to be hard work and I know I'm going to struggle to keep going; I'm going to need to ask for help from people (which I never feel comfortable doing) and I know I'm going to have to make myself feel weak and vulnerable. I'm fed up of saying I don't have time and making excuses. I have to make time by cutting out the time I spend on things that don't matter. I need to make myself accountable for my actions, so I can't just let myself get away with not doing things.

Today is when I get things started. No more waiting until next week, next month or next year. I'm going to start by making a detailed list and plan. It's a start that I feel comfortable with. I like making lists and plans. They help me to tidy up the buzzing mess that's inside my head and help keep me positive when I can cross things off the list. The difference this time is that making the list will only be a start- I have to make sure I follow the plan through.

The next step is going to be to make people aware of what I'm working towards and how I'll be doing it. I need someone else to get behind me and put a bit of pressure on. If I am accountable to other people and not just myself then I will not be able to let things slide. I find I always harder for others than I do for myself, so I plan to start using this to my advantage. That should be one of my new ideals I think- to play to my strengths. Of course one of the first hard things to do is going to be working out what my strengths actually are. I have grown far too used to being negative about myself.

Well, I guess that step one is getting my intentions out there and I've pretty much done that now. So now it's off for step two of making the list. I suppose I'll be back here once that is done. Even if nobody actually sees it, the thought that people might do could act as an ultimatum for me. If not, then maybe just the act of writing things down clearly will be cathartic in its own right. Here we go.

The Importance of Ink

   I am big fan of tattoos and I've had a lot of work done,  including two full sleeves. I've also had a few ideas for more big pieces lurking in my head for a few years.
   One of these ideas is a design based on an old poster for the Women's Land Army from the Second World War. My Nan worked in the WLA during the war and I would enjoy hearing her tell us about what she used to do. I was thinking about the tattoo while Nan was still around, but I was already getting a lot of work done on other pieces so I never actually started it.
   In the last month or so I've been feeling the urge for more tattoo work so I started expanding on the land girl idea. This resulted in me coming up with an ink drawing. Once I finished this I had a sort of ink mania and decided I had to go and book for the tattoo, finally getting it started last week. Right now I've got to the itching and peeling stage, but last week it was really sore and I was asking myself why I insist on repeatedly going through the process.
   This got me thinking more in depth about the tattooing process and why I like tattoos so much.
   I think one of the reasons I keep going back for more is that I find it quite therapeutic. Definitely not in a physically relaxing sort of way, but more of a mental relief. I realised that with only the pain and end result to focus on, getting a tattoo is one of the few times I can actually switch my brain off from all the anxious thoughts that are constantly buzzing around. When I hobble out of the studio I feel somehow lighter. For me it's as good as talking to someone about what's going on in my head, probably better. It's like a realisation that I can get through a lot more than I feel like I can most of the time. The physical pain and discomfort is like a sort of manifestation of the way my mind feels and I can focus on that instead.
   Another reason I'm so tattooed is to do with confidence (or rather a lack of it). I am not a confident person at all and social situations are a source of anxiety for me. I don't like to be noticed. Now this makes me sound a bit crazy; I hear you thinking "surely inking yourself up makes you more noticeable?" Well, I guess it does. The way it works for me is that I feel like people notice my tattoos instead of actually seeing me. I suppose I use them as a kind of distraction or disguise. Also, I don't think I'm particularly physically attractive and I wouldn't get many compliments on the way I look, so it gives me a real confidence boost when people look at and admire my tattoos. They make me feel more attractive and comfortable in my own skin.
   I'm rubbish at small talk and especially talking about myself, so my tattoos often act as a way for me to engage in conversation with people without feeling quite so awkward. I like it when people take the time to really look and to ask questions. I think a lot of people are really surprised by how much work has gone in to them and the way they are more like art pieces than trivial mementos. I sometimes feel like I'm an ambassador for tattoos. I have a role showing sceptics that well mannered, quiet and sensible people can also have ink; having tattoos does not automatically turn you into a lout.
   So, for me my tattoos are important. I get to share a part of myself and my creativity when coming up with a design idea and the process itself gives me a much needed break from my own mind. Tattoos are a big part of who I am now and they serve a purpose every day, helping me to interact with the world. On top of all this, I think they look pretty damn cool and I get to walk around with works of art on me for the rest of my life! 

Back in to the fray!

Ok, so six years on from my last blog post I have decided I might give this a go again. I was just going to start a completely new site, but after coming back here I felt oddly nostalgic. I was going to delete all my old posts, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I found it interesting to look back at how I was back then. So much has changed and yet also a lot of things are still pretty much the same.

To summarise what happened to me since my last blog post:

• I finished learning to drive and got a car
• I got my first big tattoo.
• I wrote a fair chunk of the novel I'd been thinking about; then got distracted by life, put it on a back-burner and eventually lost interest. I don't think it would have been very good anyway.
• I left the postal job for a new job looking after military working dogs.
• I moved to Leicestershire for the new job, without knowing anybody or the area.
• I started the full sleeve tattoo I'd been thinking about. Then I finished that, and a full sleeve on my other arm.
• I met someone online and we eventually moved in together. He came with a dog, so I finally have a pooch!
• I did start selling pet portraits, although I haven't really done any for a couple of years.
• My Nan deteriorated and eventually passed away.
• I crashed my car into a field, wrote it off and never bothered to get another one.
• I left the kennel job and did a dog grooming course.
• We decided to move to Bristol where a lot of my friends were.
• We moved into a shabby shared house with a couple of friends (and subsequently some nice randoms when our friends couldn't take the house anymore).
• I got a job working for a veterinary charity; trying and failing to get back on the path to veterinary nursing again. I also realised that unless you set up your own dog grooming business it is incredibly difficult to find someone to give you any experience or a job.
• I left the job at the vets after the night work started making me ill and they made it clear I wasn't getting the chance to progress any time soon.
• We moved out of Bristol, to a nice quiet suburb of Weston-Super-Mare.
• I worked as a temp in an office for a while until the dullness and the commute got to be too much.
• I started formulating plans to set up a dog-friendly cafe and pet shop, but they remain plans until I somehow have enough money to set it up :(
• I got married! XD
• My Dad moved around the corner.
• I took at job working in a cafe/shop at a well known holiday camp (despite actually applying to work in the laundry and having no experience of working in a kitchen). The particular branch where I was catered mostly for over 50's and large events and was often very busy.
• I left there because I was getting too stressed by the increasing pressure and by the unpredictability of the zero hours contract. 
• I now work part time in the staff canteen of a supermarket. I did not think I would ever work in food, but for now I seem to be quite enjoying it and I haven't poisoned anybody so far!

As for things that are still the same, the list is also quite long! My mind is still very much like the soup I described it as before. I still have multiple projects on the go that I get distracted from and can't finish. I still haven't done anything lasting to be healthier and I still feel like my life is going nowhere. I still don't see people as much as I'd like (although at least now I have one other person who I can see all the time). I am still broody for dogs even though I have one (he needs a playmate I think). I also still have no idea which direction I should take this blog.

I'm thinking that for now it will do me good just to have something to write about; to get my brain back in to a more writery mindset. I'm going to see if I can manage to get something written down weekly to start with. It will also make me more accountable for all the projects I've got on the go if other people are aware of them. Sometimes I think I just need that extra bit of pressure to actually get things done; not that I'm particularly convinced anyone will actually read it , but the thought that somebody could might just be enough. We shall see I guess!

Accepting the mind soup

     My head is a strange place at the moment. It's like a swirly soup of positivity and hopelessness. Mmm, tasty. The exciting plan to be a vet nurse is looking less and less likely. I've been in touch with all the registered training practices in and around the local area to see if any are taking on trainees. None of them are and none will even take me for work experience for a few hours a week. So I've started asking all the local vets about work experience/ volunteering and thus far nobody has got back to me. This has essentially put a stop to my plans for now as I can't even get on a course without any recent veterinary experience. Hmph.
    
 The other plan is to do a course in dog grooming. The problem with this is that to do the more recognised City & Guilds qualification I would have to stop work and that is something I can't really afford to do. There are online courses I can do, but generally employers prefer more hands-on qualifications. I've been in touch with a couple of local groomers to ask if I can help out for a few hours a week while studying to help gain some practical experience. So far I've not had any luck there either.
     
Despite all plans being on hold at the moment, I'm feeling unusually motivated again. At the weekend I got taken to a jewellery and silversmithing fair by my sister (who is learning both these crafts among others as part of her degree). Seeing all the artists and crafts-people contentedly making a living out of soomething they love doing reminded me that it is possible to do the same, I just have to work hard to get there and have a little patience. The weekend also found me making an unplanned visit to the British Museum with an old friend to do some drawing. The trip reminded me it is important to make time for the things I enjoy as well as my responsibilites and the serious stuff. Chatting with my friend about life, jobs and the various projects I have on the go proved to be quite stimulating. I feel determined to get things done, in spite of the current lack of opportunities.
    
  For now I'm settling in to the mindset that although I may have to wait a while to get somewhere I want to be, it will be worth it in the end. Things could certainly be a lot worse and I feel rather zen about it all right now ( this feeling is currently being helped by my little ratty perched on my knee like a mini lap-cat).

Finding Direction

   There's been quite a lot going on in the world of me in the last month or so. Firstly I made a firm decision that I need to choose a more definite career path. Secondly I decided that path is going to be veterinary nursing. It seems like a good choice for me because it combines aspects of animal care with more medical aspects. So it will be more suited to my sciencey nature and challenge my brain more than other animal care jobs. The downside to this is that I will have to study again and re-train. Although actually, I quite like learning.
   The next thing that happened was my discovery of a job with a chain of vet practices as a patient care assistant (aka travelling dogsbody). One of the conditions of taking the job was agreeing to undertake vet nurse training- bonus! A chance to get paid (albeit a feeble salary) while studying. I re-vamped and emailed my Cv straight away. To my great suprise, I had a reply the next day saying it had been forwarded to the area manager and the day after I had a phone call. I arranged an interview the next week (they wanted me to come in the next day, but I needed to get time off work).
   The interview went really well. I wasn't nervous at all and I actually rather enjoyed the friendly chat. I had another phone call as soon as I'd got home to arrange a trial session for the end of that week. It all seemed to be going rather quickly and in an uncharacteristic move, I actually let myself get quite excited about a possible change. 
   The trial was pretty much as I expected, maybe a little disappointing. I was told to be following and observing the head nurse and was doing quite well at the observing part- tucking myself out of everyone's way.Then the head nurse got called in to do a consultation and I was just left waiting. Nobody was particularly friendly and there were no offers of tasks or anything interesting to do, so I waited. Eventually, just as I'd read the last remaining notice on the wall, someone came and gave me a job of washing things. This was as exciting as it got, apart from cleaning a couple of cages. Anyway, at the end of the long 3 hours the head nurse was really positive and said that she'd pass on that I'd done my trial, that it went really well and she hoped they'd see me soon. I went home tired but upbeat to enjoy the weekend. 
   During my lunchbreak on the following Tuesday I was checking my emails and I noticed I had one from the vet manager. I wasn't going to read it because I wasn't sure I would be able to contain myself for the rest of my shift if I knew I could leave. Then I decided the nagging curiosity would be much worse. So I read the email. I was totally confused when I found myself reading a generic rejection- "thankyou for applying...bla bla bla...we won't be taking it any further at this point in time etc." Baffling considering how quick they were to respond, how positive they were and that I got as far as having a trial that went "really well". The last 2 hours of the shift were spent resisting the alternating urges to cry and hit things. Not fun.
   So basically in the space of 3 weeks I managed to choose a career, find a way in, try it out, confirm it was a good choice for me, talk myself into making the change and then been completely rejected with no idea why (I'm still waiting for a reply to my feedback request). I can only assume they didn't want me based on something to do with meeting me and my performance on the trail session because I can't see why they would take the application that far if I didn't have all the credentials. This makes the rejection feel all the more personal.
I'm not going to let it put me off though. The next step (once the festive season has passed) is going to be to throw my Cv around all the local registered training practices to try and find somewhere willing to take me on as a trainee. If that doesn't work (and I suspect it won't) then I will have to attempt to do some work experience and apply to college myself. The colleges provide placements while on the course but they will be unpaid, making this will be the most expensive way to train.
   Anyway, that's my new plan. Unless I have a radical change of heart or something really drastic happens, I'll hopefully be on the way to starting a proper career by this time next year. Until then I'm preapring myself mentally for another 2 years or so stuck at home. I'm also going to try and stockpile as much cash as I can to prepare for the leaner times ahead.

Sat Nav for my life

It's been a goodly while since I've thought about this blog. I've not really had any bright ideas about a direction to take it; much like my life is still rather lacking a definite direction. I have however stumbled upon an urge to follow a more positive and upbeat train of thought.
There is a lot I want to change about myself and about my life, but it's too much to take on all at once. I've discovered the key to feeling better about it all is to accept it can only work if I take tiny steps. I'm not going to be able to up-sticks and move overnight, so I'm trying to create a fund for when I finally do. I won't be able to suddenly get healthier overnight, but I can make small changes to my lifestyle. I won't feel anymore relaxed at home any time soon, so I'm trying to do more things that involve me going out. The problem with that is people are generally much busier than I am. I'm going to try and rectify this by finding activities I don't mind doing alone. I need to stop being such a recluse! There aren't any real prospects of me being able to transfer jobs (I'd like to keep working in the same area of civil service) at least not in the immediate future; so I'm trying to find ways of making it more bearable where I am. I know I've said similar before. This time it seems to actually be working.
I've also recently taken small steps back into the world of writing again. When I was a child I always had my nose in a book and I was always scribbling something down. When asked what I wanted to be when I grew up I would always say an author. It was always something I wanted to take further, but I ended up being persuaded I wasn't really good enough and I lost my motivation. I went back to my primary school recently for its 100th anniversary. While there I ran into 2 of my favourite teachers. As soon as I had introduced myself they remembered me as "the writer". It made me feel sad and quite regretful. So I decided to do something about it. I've had a story bubbling around in my head for a long time now. It feels good to be finally taking the first steps towards getting the story out of my head and onto the page. At the moment I'm just getting things done slowly; a little bit here and there in between other things. It's all very rough and is going to be a long time before I feel confident enough to let anybody look at it. It just feels good to have something to be working towards. And hey, if mediocre literature like the Twilight saga, Eragon and the like can be published and successful there must be some hope for me! Although I still doubt I'll ever have the motivation and drive to see it all the way through. For now though, I'm enjoying commanding a pen again and that's all I want from writing at the moment.
Another scheme I'm also in the process of concocting is the possibilty of making a little extra cash from my drawings. I think I could be quite good at creating pet portraits. I'll have to get a bit more practice before I take paid commisions. I'd feel guilty taking money for my inferior work. Maybe I'll experiment with friends first at a discounted rate!

Blue screen of purpose

I'm sitting at work right now (a rare event) writing this. You of course are reading this a couple of days later as I'm not actually able to type this at work. I have to use good old-fashioned pen and paper. I'm sitting alone in a computer room at the moment (an hour and a half so far; around seven hours by the end of the day). My job for today is to sit and wait for parcels the magic machine can't read to appear on the screen. I then have to enter the code to send each one down the right chute. Most of the time I'm just staring at a blue screen which tells me "Waiting for new parcels, please wait". Needless to say I am currently rather bored indeed. In fact, not too long ago I was fighting the urge to fall asleep. I've also been fighting the urge to scream over the walkie-talkie. As i don't really talk much at work I think that might freak my colleagues out a little too much to be comfortable.
Anyway, the main point of this is that while contemplating the extreme dullness of my existance it occurred to me that if it's boring to be living, it must be a thousand times less interesting to read. I think this blog needs a direction. Who knows? Maybe it will even help me find more of a direction. Yes, I like this idea; give this blog a purpose.
The problem is that I don't think I really know what direction to take. I don't really take an active enough interest in politics to write about that. My job is too dull. I enjoy reading, but I don't read enough for a book blog. I dabble here and there in craft projects, but not enough to inspire or to instruct. I have a limited interest in science and technology. I enjoy nature, but I don't really keep up to date with the latest news and discoveries in that field. I don't even really get to spend much time indulging in my love of natural things. [Note to self: I must find time to get out more (and not to the pub!)] I do enjoy films and when I can find someone to come with me I do go to cinema quite a lot. I also rent films through one of those postal things, so maybe a movie blog could be an idea... I could relate mildly amusing anecdotes, but eventually I'd have to find more which might prove tricky as I don't really do a lot or interact much with people on a day to day basis.
I could ask what people would like to read about, but as nobody reads this anyway that would be a fairly pointless exercise. If the blog had more structure it might be more worthy of an audience. So really this actually has no purpose. I still have no direction- in this blog nor in life- and I'm not sure I'll find one.