I want a squishy!

I'm so broody right now! I think it's a side effect of this cloud I seem to be trapped inside at the moment. I just want to feel needed. There's something so rewarding in knowing that someone is depending on you. It becomes a reason to get through each day. I definitely need that right now. I'm not broody for a baby by the way. I'm not getting into that kind of craziness! I really really want a dog. It's like a deep-seated need. I can't really explain it.I'm enjoying spending more times with the rats, but I need something a bit more stimulating and responsive. I want something to hug but the ratties won't stay still for long enough. I keep looking at dogs who need rehoming and picking out who I would take home. The most annoying thing is that the last couple of years would have been the ideal time to take on a dog. I've been around most of the day so it wouldn't have been alone too long. I could have got the dog gradually used to being alone for longer, ready for going back to work. I would have been in the ideal position to make sure any new addition was properly settled in. The main obstacles have been the state of the house (living with an obstinate hoarder is never a good idea), the rodent pets (never a good mix with a new dog) and more recently my potential employment (more on this momentarily). For now I will just make do with giggling at the ratties' antics and smothering them with love and treats.

On the subject of a job; I haz one! I finally got through the wall of security and terrorist checks and had a phone call about starting work. I'm just waiting for the paper work to come through now, so I know what to expect. While it's put an end to my dog-acquiring plans for the moment, it will help in the long run as I'll finally have some funds and eventually be in a position to move somewhere better. Although I'm not entirely sure how I feel about it all right now. I am looking forward to having a proper schedule again and decent money coming in. I was, however just settling in to a routine of caring and volunteering which allowed me time to indulge in some of my hobbies. I've been my own boss and not really had any commitments for so long now it's going to be a strange feeling to be going to work every day. To be honest, I'm not really sure how I feel about it right now. I guess I'll know more once I get started.

Ouchies

Last week was a fairly interesting week (by my standards anyway). I managed to hurt myself in quite a lot of really stupid ways. On Monday I managed to burn a neat line on my temple with hair straighteners. During the course of Tuesday I managed to acquire some really itchy insect bites on one ankle and then to twist the other ankle (on the way to the doctor's surgery). The further irony of the ankle-twisting is that at the time I was distracted thinking about how I hadn't had any flare-ups of my old ankle injury for a long time. Foolish me! The real injury of the week happened on Thursday when my ankle decided a sprain wasn't enough, gave up and launched me towards the pavement. The result of this was a neat slice on my palm, a skinned knee and the re-aggravation of my old ligament damage. Yay!
I'd forgotten how much this kind of injury manages to hurt. Once I'd hobbled home and the shock had worn off, I got slapped with the pain-stick well and truly. I am not someone who cries readily, in fact it's a very rare occurence for me (probably a contributing factor to my interesting mental state of affairs). Anyway, what I was about to say was that my ankle hurt so much it managed to meke me teary. The problem being that once I'd filled up, the torrent was unleashed full-force. In a watery explosion of self-pity I managed to weep furiously for over an hour before running out of energy and falling asleep. I have to say, I did feel a hell of a lot better in myself when I woke up (aside from the ankle pain). The positive feeling was no doubt helped along by the prospect of a weekend away from home. I set off on Friday, with the help of a crutch and grim determination towards Bristol for a few days of fun.
I returned after a thoroughly enjoyable (and much needed) break with pulled muscles in my arm (from using the crutch) and now I get to experience the delightful low that always seem to follow these highs. I'm left contemplating what is worse; the physical pain from my various mishaps, or the mental ache caused by contemplating my current situation and remembering and re-imagining events past.

All change please!

A very overdue blog! After not a lot of note happening in my humdrum life for a while, it seems now is the time for change.

The first big step was last month when I finally snapped and signed off JSA. I'd been claiming for 6 months (though I've been unemployed for almost a year). Anyway, I'd got to the point where they were lining up a load of pointless courses and planning to send a load of jobs my way which have nothing to do with anything I'm interested in or qualified for. They were even talking about re-training. If I'd wanted to work in a different field surely it would have crossed my mind that I might need to train in it?! In short, the point is I'd had enough and that, combined with other things lead me to jump-ship.

I was gutted last month when the two rats I'd inherited from a friend both died. They'd both been quite sickly on and off since I took them on so in a way it was a kind of relief not to have to worry about them breaking anymore. I was still genuinely sad to see them go though. Just by chance, while browsing teh interwebz I found a pair of ratty girls looking for a home (at the time I still had one of the old girls so I had to ignore my findings). On finding myself ratless how could I say no? I arranged to meet them before committing, expecting to have to arrange the usual home visit but ended up leaving with a box of fluffy children. Apparently I seem to know what I'm doing (as far as rodents go at least!) I'll probably write about them more another time. They are certainly keeping me busy!

Over the last month or two I've been spending a lot more time with my Nan. She was recently diagnosed with dementia and it's been good for her to have someone keeping an eye her. The second big change I've made is to take up the responsibility of being Nan's carer on a more official level. This was another factor in quitting the dole. I figured if I'm going to be unemployed for the forseeable future, I'd rather be doing something productive with my time. So now I actually have somewhere to be every day and I feel like I'm actually serving some sort of genuine purpose for the first time since I left uni two years ago.

As if all that upheaval wasn't enough, a few days after quitting jobseeker's I had an ominous-looking brown envelope through the post. I finally got a job offer! I'm not going to say too much about it, but providing I pass all the security checks (ooo!) I could be a productive little worker bee again. The only annoyance is that I won't find out anything concrete for a couple of months. It will be a great leap forward if it all works out though. I can build up some funds for the future and the hours mean that hopefully I can still check in on Nan.

So yeah, I'm feeling a whole lot more positive now. I feel like I actually have a reason to get up every day. Something which has been seriously lacking for a long time. Here's to the future!

Midnight meanderings

It's been a good while since I've felt like I have something I want to say. The last thing I wrote was two sides of very depressing and angry scrawl when drunk (which will not be seen again) and before that some other emotional but un-blogworthy ramblings (which I think I ended up sticking on my deviantart).
I've not really been up to much since I last wrote on here. I'm still jobless, still living at home, still not driving and still trying to distract myself with endless tasks that never get finished. It was my birthday a couple of days ago and that got me thinking about life and its mediocrity. I haven't really thought seriously about it all for the last month or so. Not that I'm thinking anything particularly exciting in the grand scheme of things; just about how there's actually no point worrying about where life is headed and why I'm not where I thought I'd be. All I can do is take control of all the individual aspects I can and by doing so, hope I can eventually steer myself in a positive direction. Looking at my current situation like this, it turns out there's actually quite a lot I can do.
I can't control whether or not I will actually get given a job, but I can choose which ones I apply for (it's so difficult to balance applying for enough to get paid, but not get lumbered with an unwanted job). I can also use the money I get while looking to take the immediate pressure off. I can't control the state of our house (a constant source of stress for me) but I can clear out my room, sort out all the crap I've been hoarding and make myself a little sanctuary. I can't live anywhere else at the moment, but I can start making plans for when I eventually leave- looking at flats, possible jobs and planning what I'll need. I have only limited control over when I'll finally master driving but I can go out to each lesson with a positive outlook; relaxed and attentive instead of stressed and panicky. I can't ignore the fact I have a long list of self-appointed tasks that just keeps extending, but I can work through them steadily. There's something so satisfying about crossing things off a list!
From today I'm going to force myself to keep busy. I need to gather up some motivation from deep down and use it to make sure I fill this life-gap with positivity. I need to get out of the house more than my weekly dog walking at Dogs Trust.
On a lighter note, I'm annoyed we keep having power cuts this evening! I'm trying to watch Shigurui Death Frenzy (a pretty but slow-moving, complex anime) and I keep having to find my place all over again. Also, everytime the power goes all the house alarms start up which is not a fun sound at all. The only torch I can find is a lightsaber which makes noises that are really loud and irritating.
There. It feels better to have a little rant! lol I think that's me done for now. Over and out.

Social Animals

Well, it's been a busy few weeks (by my standards). It's definitely been making me feel refreshed and upbeat (although it's not doing the same for my bank balance) but now I've had a chance to p[ause and take stock, I'm left feeling rather hopeless and apathetic. The start of a new year, a new decade has left me feeling a tad down shall we say. Partly about the complete waste of the last year and also about the fact that this year is shaping up to bring more of the same or perhaps be even more of a waste. I'm not where I want to be and certainly not where I thought I'd be by this point. There just seems to be so much in the way at the moment that I'm inclined not to bother trying anymore, although I know that would be the worst thing to do. Apathy never helped anyone acheive great things (or even minor acomplishments come to that). This year I really need to knuckle down, get focused and get on with things that will help me towards my goals (whatever the hell they are) but I'll get round to that eventually! Anyway, due to family issues it seems my unemployment may actually have occurred at just the right time to be useful so I suppose that counts for something.

I didn't really intend this to be about me doing nothing. What I wanted to write about was friendship and to look at the social nature of humans. I'm not entirely sure why, but this has been in my thoughts of late.
We certainly aren't the only species that relies on and actively seeks the company of its own kind. In fact a great many species do, seeking to be surrounded by others and all the interaction involved be it positive or negative. On the surface this could simply be viewed as a grouping formed out of neccesity. For many prey species a group provides safety; more eyes and ears to watch out for danger, more individuals to fight back and less chance of being targeted from among the group. Predators may group to improve their chances of bringing down prey and to defend themselves from rivals and for foraging animals, a larger group means protection as well as more hands to gather food. On a deeper level, there would seem to be a much stronger reason for some of these groupings- almost a craving for company.
Where animals live in social groups they have a clear social order that is maintained by strict rules. All the animals within the group learn these rules from a young age. They are crucial for the family to work and flouting the rules can result in aggression, violence, rejection and even death for a group member who chooses to do so. All the individuals know their place and society is reletively harmoneous. Why is it that humans can't seem to maintain or accept any real social order and harmony? With humans everything is so complex and diverse. People can't and don't learn all the rules of socially acceptable behaviour while young- there are too many and they are too fluid. The consequences for flounting group rules are not a matter of life and death as they are for other species and they can often appear non-existant. The way that people gather and group in such huge numbers lends them an almost insect-like quality. The swarming, invading, attacking and hoarding qualities are all shared. The main difference being that humans lack the order and organisation which these huge insect colonies use to function effectively as a community.
Friendship for its own sake is a concept that appears to be uniquely human. Within other species there is little choice over the members present within a group. Animals do not need to seek out those who share their specific interests or have characteristics in common as their similarities occur naturally within their daily lives. Why do humans have their ideal of finding one partner for life? Although there is evidence of faithful pairings within the animal kingdom, this is usually only for the duration of one breeding season. Come the next season, animals tend to find a new partner. So why is it that a person can feel so intensely drawn to another over such a long time, sometimes a whole lifetime? What is it about humans that makes them so unique?

I'm in the sort of mood where I could ramble for days but I think I'll leave this there for now!