Locks and Mental Blocks

I've discovered I'm not as much of a blogger as I thought I might be... I think part of the trouble lies in the fact that despite there being a constant babble of thoughts (many highly interesting, relevant and amusing; others less so) running through my head, for the most part I seem fairly incapable of actually channeling the flow. This often includes the simple act of channeling my thoughts to my mouth (many a humorous speech failure, miss-timed comment or unexpected sentence-blurting has occurred as a result). The problem seems to be amplified whenever I am required to bring thoughts out into the aether via the telephone. Using the phone frequently fills me with a sense of dread at the inevitable decline in my brain function as soon as the device appears next to my ear. This rediculous inaptitude towards expressing the inner workings of my mind also appears to extend to an inability to get my brain-thinkings out in other formats (via the computey-box, inky-stick or even in an arty manner).

Overall this leads to a feeling of being somewhat powerless and definitely very frustrated. It has even led to the frustration of others at my apparent lack of opinions or feelings about a great many things. It's not that I don't have them- I just can't get them out! I just feel like there's so much going on up top that I want to share but my attempts to do this are constantly hampered. For example, I do feel (without wanting to sound too pompous) that somewhere within the murky depths of my mind-tank there is definitely a novel waiting to be unearthed or an art piece I'm actually proud of , maybe even a script of some sort. Although with current forcefield that appears to surround my thoughts, nothing can get out. True, I get the odd spurt of actually exhibiting proper expressive ability (this being a shoddy example of one), but these are all too few. The irregularity of these spurts creates the additional frustration of me constantly having an abundance of half-finished projects lying about begging to be completed.

My head is like a heavy old wooden trunk with a robust and ancient metal lock at the front. The lock has always been tricky to open but as time goes on, both the mechanism and the key start to rust and decay, so the trunk becomes increasingly more difficult to unlock and eventually the contents of said trunk are forgotten and rendered meaningless. I just need a way to break open the rusty lock so the contents can be freely accessed.

Anyway, feeble attempt to explain my state of mind (or lack thereof) and lame analogy over with I shall now depart and continue to try and solve a little more of the mystery and freakish wonder that is me.

A long overdue ramble about life and death

Ok well this is going to be a very long and pointless sort of ramble. I actually wrote this a while ago and have only jus got around to finishing it. As cliche as it sounds, I've actually been thinking about life and death a lot recently. Still being stuck in the rut is really starting to get to me now. I feel like life is wasting away while I sit here and let it. It's like being stood in the middle of one of those rickety rope bridges across a gorge, watching the ropes start to fray from either end and planks of wood fall dramatically down thousands of feet into the fast-flowing river below and I can do nothing but watch it happen.
I lost one of my fluffy little ratty fats a couple of weeks ago. He'd been kind of ill on and off for ages, but then he suddenly seemed to pick up again. His eyes were brighter, his curly fur was softer and fluffier; he was even unusually energetic. Then a couple of weeks ago he just sort of shut down. He stopped eating and generally seemed to give up on everything. At least he went peacefully in his sleep in the end.
Anyway, it got me thinking: firstly, that animals have the right idea just getting on with life (they don't waste time messing about with things that really aren't important) and secondly, I started thinking that unfortunately I'm not an animal and as such there are many unimportant things I have to deal with. So I should just accept this and get on with sorting everything out instead of merely laying down and giving up while life goes on without me. The other thought this lead me to was the slightly more morbid thought that if I were to snuff it tomorrow, would I have actually done anything worthwhile?
On pondering this (via the decision of what actually constitutes a 'worthwhile' achievement) I came to the conclusion that my answer would have to be "no".
The basic upshoot of all this is that I have decided to force myself to take some steps (albeit small ones) towards where I actually want to be in my life right now.

And since all this thinking I've actually taken the first step. I actually handed in my notice at work. It's probably not the best decision from a financial point of view, but for the sake of my sanity it had to be done. I think a year of totally screwed up sleep patterns has taken it's toll and made me a little broken inside. Now I think the next step is to try and find another part time job with less hours and where management aren't quite such cretins (apologies for the use of such a derogatory term). Once that's done, the next step is to start volunteering somewhere with beasties because apparently I do not have enough animal care experience to be remotely employable. Then I need to crack on with learning to drive (which I am currently annoyingly bad at). Maybe better sleep will help me concentrate better.
So, that's all for now. I'm taking hold of my life again and telling it where I wan't to go instead of being a bystander.

Nothingness

Wow! I did not realise it's been quite so long! Although in my defence, I have been fairly busy of late. As usual, there's not a whole lot of excitement here. I've just returned from a weekend in Plymouth with my sister, celebrating a friend's birthday. I always love going back there. It's a place that has so many happy memories for me and is still home to many of my favourite people. Truth be told, I don't really want to be back. While I have become more accepting of my current situation it is still far from ideal. Family tend to have that amazing knack for making you feel rather smothered . This it seems is particularly true if you happen to be in the unfortunate position of being somewhere where there is no one else to escape to. Don't get me wrong, I love them to bits, but there's only so much anyone can take. I guess the same is true of living with anyone- friends, family, partners- it's just that under normal circumstances there are other people to provide relief.
I think maybe what I need is a serious goal to aim for: A clear-cut reason for me to be stuck here slowly festering away. I feel like I'm jus drifting into nothingness and while that may be acceptable for some, I am getting rather frustrated with it all now. I need to get my thinking cap on and start sorting out what exactly to do next. I've already been making do for longer than I'd hoped! Time to get off my arse and SORT MY LIFE OUT! xD

A stitch in time...

The last week or so has been unusually eventful for me. Not a whole lot usually goes on here in the delightful realms of Not-quite-proper-London-but-near-enough-to-have-all the-bad-bits. Work hasn't been as awful as usual. Well, it's still completely mind-numbing and physically hard work but it's like something in my head has just snapped and all of a sudden it has stopped filling me with that awful feeling of dread. Maybe I've finally accepted that there's no way I'll get anything better right now :( Such a depressing prospect!
Awwwwwww! You know when something is so cute it makes you want to cry? Jus looked to my right and the ratties r both snuggled up together half under the duvet >_< So kawaii!
Friday was a particularly good day for me. My sister and I took mummy out to pizza express for a mother's day meal. The best part of this was that we had to wait ages for our main courses (due to an arguement and dismissal in the kitchen we were later informed) and ended up getting them for free! =D Free pizza is the best thing EVER!!! After returning home more than pleasantly full and rather sleepy I had my first driving lesson. It's something I've been meaning to do for a long time but kept putting off for various reasons. The first lesson wasn't too strenuous. In fact I found it quite refreshing to have a new challenge. I'm looking forward to this week's lesson, which is surprising to me considering how freaked out I was (and still kind of am) by the whole prospect of being behind the wheel.
Went to an awesome gig on Saturday. One of my most favourite bands, Sonic Boom Six, supporting an old 80's reggae/ ska band, The Beat. Despite being more chilled out than gigs I usually attend- no mosh pit and mostly just bobbing- I had a really good time. I got to chat to Laila, the singer for a bit too, which is always cool. I need to practice being less socially inept! lol It felt good that she actually remembered me from other gigs, made me feel appreciated! I can't wait for the next gig! :)
Today has been rather lazy. Very much a movie day. Got sucked in to a random black and white film this morn. I think it was called The Appartment. Was very good, highly recommended. I've spent the rest of the day watching various films from my collection, culminating in Lilo and Stitch. I've decided Stitch is amazing and is possibly my favourite Disney character. And on that note, I think it's time to leave...

Art bits

Firstly I would like to declare my undying love for my Tv! I'm sitting on my bed watching Sleeping Beauty and it looks amazing! The colours are so bright and shiny. It's one of the reasons I love this film so much. It's like watching the Disney version of a medieval painting or stained glass window. Eeee it makes me all happy inside!!! They've got all the angular shapes and simple shading down to a tee and all the backdrops are just right. Makes me want to do a big painting in that style. Ooo but what to paint?
I've been bitten by the art bug again recently. Trouble is I seem to have been bitten by many different types of art bugs all at once and now I have a whole load of mini projects on the go all at once. The trouble is I can't seem to get round to finishing any of them! I've got a bag of stuffing I was meant to be making sock creatures with (but I only got as far as sock-bat), an unfinished denim patchwork and cushion cover, a line drawing of my fursona, the cardboard base for a huge claymore, an almost finished peacock sketch and now a whole load of steampunky items to create! In theory I should have enough time to finish it all, I mean I'm only working 3 nights a week. I just lose focus too easily nowadays...
Aww my fat little ratties are so cute! They're being all snuggly. I just want to poke them and squish them! In fact, that is what I will now do. The film is finished and I've been boring long enough so it's time to poke rats and add some colour to things :D

Soup

During a brief nostalgic moment over the weekend I ended up reading my old myspace blogging rants. I decided It's been a while since I've had any kind of outlet for my mind soup. This is the new bowl! Mmm soup...

There is a lot going on in my head at the mo, but mostly its all swirly and not in a writable form. It's all watery soup, no real meaty chunks to serve up right now. Lets just see what's bubbling...

I've been sort of stuck in a rut since heading back home. There's just nothing to do. Well, there are things I could do if I had the inclination to treck into town all the time, but there is nothing locally that is remotely entertaining. Unless you count mindless vandalism or muggings. Hmm now there's a thought! I'm sure I've got a hoody and some jogging bottoms somewhere.

I've decided I really miss having people around. Not random people, I mean my friends. Don't get me wrong, it's nice to have my family around, but there's only so much of them you can take! lol I never really figured myself as a people person but I think maybe I am. I miss people. Maybe I should leave the house and find some.